Students Livid about Homecoming, Despite Having Great Time

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    After an exciting 2014 Homecoming, the University has largely considered it’s efforts to make the event safe and respectful a resounding success. Our football team crushed York’s team in a 57-10 rout. Aberdeen was kept calm and largely devoid of masses of equal parts drunken teenagers and drunken septuagenarians. Even Kingston Mayor, Mark Gerretsen, noted for his municipal efforts at being the literal worst, had good things to say about the event which included a beer garden, a concert by the Sheepdogs, and bitchin pizzas available for a toonie.
    However a significant fraction of students are enraged about the wholesome festivities put on by the AMS and the University. Grace Wainwright, Vice-Undersecretary of Queen’s Shit Disturbers Club, released a statement on Sunday morning whilst blearily clutching at a coffee and addressing reporters through sunglasses: “This is an attack on our social liberties to assemble in one place and destroy whole bunches of shit in a city we barely live in for less than half a decade. The man just shut down our annual celebration of broken beer bottles and public intoxication tickets”. Kingston Police had similar complaints, citing it’s huge and gratuitious reserve of riot gear being criminally underused and they were now being inspected by the City for budget violations. Police Chief Hugh  said in a press statement Tuesday afternoon that “although he was impressed by the level of organisation and respect the inaugural Reunion Street Festival managed to attain, this is normally the most exciting night in the year for the entire Kingston police force. This year sucked. I spent ten thousand dollars on a bat signal for no fucking reason.” Individual police officers also had complaints; Constable Jon LaDouche said “I didn’t become a police officer for the community, I can’t power trip over five middle aged men laughing and joking up a largely empty Aberdeen. We even had bomb disposal suited up and ready to go all night just for shits!! And Chief said if things got really bad, I was going to get to ride one of the horses.”
    Police were observed playing solitaire inside their unmarked cars, tunelessly humming “We Are the Engineers”, debating how Cha Gheill is pronounced and having a casual beer with the more laidback revellers. One officer was noted for looking at a picture of Ferguson Police in their riot gear and sighing wistfully.
Crowds of students lined up in front of the Principal’s house Monday morning to express their dissatisfaction with how good a time they had chanting slogans such as “Stop killing Aberdeen with Quality Events”, “Get a Shitty Band Next Time”, “I Was Allowed to Cross the Street” and of course the ubiquitous “Kony 2012”. Students also listed complaints about the lack of security at the event, saying they could “easily crack open a casual beer” and therefore could not be harassed out of Union onto Aberdeen. Golden Words spoke to enraged protester William Van Ryn who explained that “Obviously no one really wanted there to be a riot, but we all wanted to strongly threaten a riot. We were all having too good of a time on Union Street to assemble and destroy what little goodwill we have with the city of Kingston.”
At press time, the Queen’s Football team was wondering if anyone ever really cared about their season at all.
 

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