Students Propose turning Stauffer Library into Actual Nightclub


QUEEN’S UNIVERSITY, KINGSTON: Saturday saw the revelation that one AMS executive team in the current election intends to turn The Underground into a study space for half of every week. Citing the need for increased study space, the proposal suggests using The Underground as a library from Sunday to Wednesday.

Daniel Lastname, a second-year engineering student, made a viral post on Facebook on the matter. His post invites all Queen’s students to counter this proposal. He cites the fact that Queen’s only has one nightclub, but six libraries. “How many more libraries do we need?” asks Daniel. “Leave it to the goddamn government to drop this shit on us. So, they want to turn Undies into a study space–fine. I maintain no personal stance on the issue as a fictional character in an AMS-operated newspaper. But then at least let us use Stauffer as a nightclub in exchange.”

Posted on Sunday, Daniel’s words have since been shared 300 times, and have over 1500 likes. With the traction Daniel’s post has gained, Golden Words thought it only appropriate to seek comment from Daniel Lastname himself. When asked about why Daniel feels the way he does, he responded “I get it. We need more places to study and shit on campus. Okay fine. But I don’t see how it’s okay for a student’s right to study to infringe upon another student’s right to get fucking lit. This is a debate about my right to party, and I won’t rest until I have on-campus club space seven days a week”.

Golden Words then asked Daniel about the logistics of turning Stauffer into a club. Daniel had clearly given this much though: “We’ll run it as ‘Club Stauff’ from Sunday to Wednesday every week. We can even turn the counter into a bar. Think about how awesome it would be if you walk into this massive library and BAM! Instead of bookshelves, you have racks of wine and liquor covering all four stories of the building. We could install a stage in the middle, and probably even get a couple of poles in somewhere–I hear those guys over at QMP love that shit. If we could just move all the tables out, we would end up with tons of room.

Daniel paused, and his tone became more serious. “Queen’s wants us to tone down our partying–we need to break the metaphorical glass ceiling holding us back by partying under the literal glass ceiling of the library. This is about student rights, and I won’t stop until we get the party spaces we deserve.”

Daniel Lastname is championing a cause he believes in, fighting for his right to get lit seven days a week. “I’m calling upon all students who care about the real issues–all students who know what really matters. Stand up for what’s right and join me on my quest to turn Stauffer library into Club Stauff for half of every week. I’m organizing a march down University Avenue this week. Keep an eye open”.

Closing the interview, Daniel rose from his seat and pulled out a flask. “This has been fun, but I’ve got studying to do.”