The latest study to come out of the Queen’s Faculty of Polling has cast a long, gendered shadow over the entire campus this past Saturday. This study claims that over 99.5% of the individuals who are part of social groups which self-identify as “the Boys” are boys. This includes intentional misspellings such as “Bois”, or synonyms such as “Lads”, “Dudes” or “X-(Chromosome)-Men”. It seems the latest glass ceiling feminism needs to shatter has been staring at us right in the face, all wearing “this is my keg stand t-shirts” while doing a keg stand.
While there is some dispute over the strict definition of these groups called “The Boys”, the hallmarks of these groups are fairly obvious to behold. These groups of almost exclusively men, who generally enjoy spending time with each other and cracking “brewskies”, playing “chel”, joshing about sports, and keeping their non-dominant hand cupped around their balls for warmth and comfort. And “The Boys” are everywhere, they’re not just always hanging out at the bar, they have taken the Bar, and are practising attorney’s at law! Every current political figure was a member of some variation of the boys at one point or other, from Justin “Just In” Trudeau. Barack “Gotbrain” Hussein Obama, to Lyndon “Just call me Johnson” B Johnson to Hillary “Rodham more like Rod & Ham” Rodham Clinton. Every success story has it’s origins with the Boys, with successful figures in every area of expertise citing their fortune to their years honing overly complicated handshakes, creating never ending variations of affectionate yet disparaging nicknames, and finding new and fascinating ways to find an excuse to drink a beer in any context. Everyone knows these social groups are lucrative fast tracks to success in society and yet scholars are just now beginning to hypothesize that “the Boys” are an all-boys club.
But apparently this isn’t an entirely translucent glass ceiling. “You know, as a dude, you don’t really notice it. When you find out you’re in a project with Jon, Matty D, Lukey and Big Al, of course you’re psyched because those lads are a bunch of beauts” said Sci’17 Benjy Toeborect “you look over, make eye contact with Jon and slowly mouth “the boysssss” and you know you got a great team that’s gonna be totally ok with ditching a meeting to watch the big game and equally ok with rallying through an all nighter to scrape an A- on the whole affair. But when people bring it up you realise that there’s a whole bunch of really intelligent, career-oriented, and all around cool women, like Lisa, or Sarah, or Emily who are never going to experience the joy of a team meeting spent boorishly rating Tinder matches.”
The one exception, according to Benjy and others polled was one Kelly Diakovski, Arts ‘18. Every single member of the boys polled responded with agree or strongly agree to the statement “Kelly? That girl fucks!” however some others were less crude in their praise saying, “Kelly is one smooth operator”, exclaiming “that girl is such a freakin dewd!” or to elucidate that “Some of us wear superman pajamas, but Superman wears Kelly D pajamas!!” Briefly surveying her Facebook page, one would find that Kelly is part of three intramural teams, four group chats and no less than thirteen groups that wholly or in part include the term “the Boys”. The secret to her success: “I just act disgusting and everyone’s impressed” says Ms. Diakovski, who says she isn’t better at burping loudly, sloppily drinking beer, or roping in a horse drawn wagon full of man-meat over Tinder, so much as she has merely lowered her standards for politesse and widened what she considers socially acceptable to discuss in public. “Now, I fully understand how a comprehensive emotional support network can be comprised entirely of occasional drunken hugs punctuated by sporadic back thumping.”
At the time of writing, the Brock Buttchug Boys (namely Crazy Luke, Chris DeSouz, Bellerz, Strozter and The Peen Queen herself, Kelly D) were brainstorming on the most lit way to host a rager on Saturday night so they can pull some honeys and have good times with good people. At press time the Facebook event was titled “Not all Beeros Wear Capes” and Crazy Luke had placed an order on Amazon for a pack of five multicoloured capes and the rest of the gang had promised to pay him back with beer.