This summer saw the games of the 31st olympiad take place in Rio de Janeiro Brazil where the world’s most elite athletes tested the limits of human strength, skill, and speed. The prowess and dedication of the competitors present was truly a sight to behold. However, in the weeks running up to the more widely known summer games, the lesser known Alcolympics were taking place in Gatineau, Quebec.
The games, which were the 57th to take place were hosted in Gatineau as to allow competitors who were 18 years of age, and older looking underage competitors to represent their countries. The best drinkers from around the globe competed in 420 events to earn glory and free beer for their nations. Although The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea emerged as the victor with 69 gold medals, one of which saw The Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un chug 5 pints of beer in as many seconds, the games were filled with drama and tension. Golden Words has compiled the highlights of the games filled with the most inspiring and heart wrenching moments of the competition.
Crossover Sensation: For the first time in the history of the games an athlete from the summer olympics crossed over to win a gold medal in Alcolympics competition. American swimmer Ryan Lochte competed in and won the drunken belligerence event by pissing on and destroying a Brazilian gas station and then lying about being robbed by police the day after. Judges of the event said that it was the lying that pushed Lochte from bronze to gold position in the event and cemented him as the most belligerent drunk competitor of the year. Queen’s student Tyler Millson came in 5th place in the drunken belligerence category after drunkenly lighting a couch on fire in Mack-Corry after drinking the better part of a 26 of Canadian Club. Millson wasn’t disciplined for his conduct as the University accepted his justification of the event as a way of creating a smoke signal to summon help after becoming lost in the building. This was the closest a Queen’s student came to medaling in the event after taking home the Gold in 2005 for flipping and lighting a car on fire at homecoming.
Comeback Kid: 13 year old McGill student and math prodigy Lee Chan inspired all and showed us that age is just a number and puking doesn’t mean your night is over when he won the gold in the individual tallboy shotgunning competition. Chan, who managed to compete underage after being sold 30 tall cans of Old Milwaukee by an elderly Quebecois man at a Montreal depanneur, thought his Alcolympics was over after vomiting in the 3rd round of the competition. However, after an athlete from Australia was discovered to be using light beer, Chan was readmitted to the competition. The 13 year old math prodigy proceeded to, against all odds, win the next seven rounds of the competition and take home the gold with a winning shotgun time of 3.14159 seconds. Chan was the youngest competitor to win a gold at the Alcolympics since Harold Darlington of the United Kingdom completed a Wizard Staff in one hour and 20 minutes at the 1967 games. Darlington, standing 4 feet 8 inches tall at the time had a massive advantage over his competition as he only needed to drink 9 beers to complete his staff.
Ahead by a Century: In an inspirational moment of Canadian unity, 37 year old Anderson Chucksworth won the gold medal in the century race event. Chuckswoth managed to imbibe 150 Imperial ounces of Molson Canadian beer in a national record time of 44:17.45. When asked after the event what the secret to his drinking ability was Chucksworth told reporters that he needed to make it to his friends house to watch The Tragically hip play the final concert of their recent Canadian tour on television. For his dedication to both his country’s dominance in binge drinking and its musical heritage, Anderson Chucksworth will be awarded the Order of Canada by Governor General David Johnston, and will be added to the Cabinet of Canada as Minister of Playing Hard by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Trudeau has said Chucksworth will work closely with the Minister of Labour to help institute Canada’s economic policy of “work hard, play hard”. Trudeau believes the policy, which will be completed with the legalisation of marijuana, will increase Canada’s economic output by up to 5% by creating a culture of after work partying across Canada.
Last Man Keg-Standing: Finally in the prestigious, unassisted kegstand event German competitor Gunther “Teutonic Tank” Müller took home the gold by performing an unassisted kegstand for 36.12 seconds. The 315 pound 42 year old displayed grace and gastrointestinal fortitude the likes of which can only be developed over a long and illustrious career of competitive drinking. The gold marks the “Teutonic Tank’s” 3rd straight gold in the event making him the first person in history to win three Alcolympic golds in a row in what many consider to be the competition’s premier event. Gunther was awarded his Gold medal by German Chancellor Angela Merkel personally and given the title Hero of the German Republic. The feat was made more impressive by the fact that Müller, a Bavarian native, chose to consume Löwenbräu as his beer of choice; a brew that some have described as unchuggable, but I guess that’s why he’s called the Teutonic Tank.
It was an exciting summer of competition this year filled with triumph, barley, drama, and vomit. It’s a shame these games only take place once a year, but we here at Golden Words have confidence that the students of this fine institution will not halt in their endless training until every medal at the Alcolympics is worn by a Queen’s student.