It’s that beautiful time of year where the snow has melted, YET you still require a blanket scarf and a couple shots of Fireball to get through the brisk mornings. Nope? Just me? No YOU’RE the one with a problem! Anyway this meteorological shift has me thinking of better days ahead. Specifically summer music festivals! From Wayhome to Osheaga to Fieldtrip… and that’s about it. This summer if you didn’t drop a cool fat stack for a ticket ,then who even are you? This article is for my fellow FOMO-sexuals who need some insider tips for possibly the day they peak.
1) Recreate your own local music festival by dosing yourself in kombucha while screaming continuously for 12 hours to layered tribal music. Force everyone to pay you $300 to make a spectacle of yourself.
2) Begin to train your body to experience dehydration by forgoing any source of water 3 weeks before the festival. If those fat cats at Coca-Cola think they can grift me for an $8 bottle of Dasani, they take a sip of THIS “purified tap water” (I’m gesturing to my penis-less crotch in such an obscenely confident manner that its no wonder that I haven’t achieved immortality yet).
3) Inhale paint thinner as a wallet friendly alternative to molly. Being ahead of trends is on-par for the self-aggrandizing hipsterdom that got your dumbass to attend a music festival. Being trendy extends all the way down to your addictions! Be the first one of your friends to say that “the high you get off of Benjamin Moore is unrivaled to any ayahuasca trip”!!!
4) Do NOT think you’re better than soliciting yourself in order to climb onto a stranger’s shoulders. Although it is ubiquitously b a s i c, an Instagram of you astride a man in a very revealing tank top (the man is the one in question showing a promiscuous amount of pecs) can get you a minimum 120 likes, easy. Do NOT deny yourself the serotonin boost you can only achieve noways on social media!
5) Fashion tip: used cheesecloth found in the dumpster behind an Olive Garden can be used instead of a crochet top. Easy, breezy, and smells like havarti!
6) Move over flower crowns, there’s a new incriminating trend on the market; thorn crowns! Just like Jesus before you, now you can express your misunderstanding of a religious metaphor while rocking out to Arcade Fire!
7) Save yourself time and an emotional headrush by smashing your iPhone screen before you even enter the festival grounds. Understand what it means to experience the loss of a small child by watching the one thing you value most slip through your drug-shaken fingers. You deserve this.
8) Establish your dominance in the mosh pit by coming equipped with your own defense gear. I’m talking brass knuckles, I’m talking manriki chains, I’m talking halbert battle axes. Assert yourself from the get go so that the when that blonde pigeon and her friends try to elbow past you to get closer to HAIM, you can stare her down whilst adored in your archaic weaponry and say to her, “Moveth bitch, get outeth mine way.”
9) Rompers are a NO NO. Aesthetically, very few women (Editor’s note: AND MEN) are able to pull off this camel-toe trap. Logistically, these over-priced garments turn into a living nightmare once you need to use the bathroom. Stripping to New Year’s naked while trying to maneuver a hotboxed Porta-Potty daydrunk is almost as easy as finding the G-Spot. In other words unless you’re German gynecologist, Ernst Grafenberg, then it’s goddamned impossible.
10) Take your pick between paying for a hotel room that costs double your ticket price, or abandon all notions of civility and opt in for a campsite. If you choose to do the latter, it will rain with the ferocity of a horse giving a golden shower. Honestly my porn search terms are getting very off-brand…
11) Fill an unreasonable amount of space in your backpack with a laughable amount of condoms. Hahahaha did you really think you were gonna get laid in a communal tent, Chunce?