Surprise Visit


Reader, I have grave news, by the time you’ve finished reading this sentence, our school will be one bro poorer. Because unbeknownst to Chad LaGrif, Arts ‘19 Sci ‘18, there is a storm coming. It’s driving a 2008 Honda Odyssey filled with delightful good cheer, as Dr. and Mrs. LaGrif pull off of the 401, having completed a three hour trip to surprise their beloved eldest. Chad at this moment has woken up drunk at 3 in the afternoon, having missed 7 hours of class, that day to the sound of knocking at his door. He looks around, blearily. His room is a mess: reeking of beer and vomit, empties scattered all about his bed. He had brought home a delightful young lady who had vomited all over his room before passing out. She’s still there. His roommate, Neal, is still passed out, buck naked, having shat all over his bed. This is not an atypical situation for room 407 at Vic Hall.


Meanwhile his parents have been laughing and reminiscing about their time in university. They’ve ascended the elevator to the fourth floor, where Chad’s room is pointed out by their don who smiling knocks on their door. “Oh I’m sure he’s just sleeping” Mrs. LaGriff will chortle to her husband, thinking this is a joke. At this moment Chad finally musters the strength to crack open the door. This marks the last moment where the LaGriff’s will ever love their child ever again.


Eyewitnesses on the scene report that the LaGriff’s literally melted their son into a pool of human flesh just with the heat of their rage. The burning husk that used to be Vic Hall was cordoned off by the Department of Nuclear Materials after the blaze, scientists are considering using Ground Zero as a new source of nuclear fuel. Kingston Fire Department was called and when they arrived on the scene, they immediately wet themselves, turned to one another in confusion then called 9-1-1.


Poor Chad, we all will miss him. There will be one less bro to fist bump at parties. One less douchebag in the keg line. One less asshole copying your homework an hour before it’s due.

On second thought. No one will miss him. He was the worst and no one liked him.


At press time, no one attended Chad’s funeral except for Chad’s parents who spent the whole time swearing loudly at their eldest’s torched cadaver.