Syd Editorial: How to be a Passive Aggressive Roommate


Since a large amount of the Queen’s population is going to spend the rest of the year living in disastrously close quarters with someone they only pretend to like I thought I’d provide you the best ways to get your point across without ever having to start an actual conversation. Through mastering the art of verbal and non-verbal passive-aggressivity you can start an argument without ever having to be there to finish it, or even really be a part of it. Once you’ve purchased your value pack of 1000 post it notes and practiced your fake ‘nothing is wrong’ smile you are well on your way to ‘avoiding’ conflict. 

There are many ways to implement passive-aggression into your everyday life, here are a few examples to help get you started: 
The Dirty Dishes Debacle. So you did the dishes last week, and the week before. Since the beginning of time you have been washing dishes that were not yours and you are sick of it. Elbows deep in soapy food water you have reached your limit, let the tidal wave of caked on grease anger wash over you. Rather than doing all the dishes only clean your own mess. Make a point to stack your roommates unclean dishes in a precarious tower beside the sink. Say nothing as you let the stack grow into a tower. Make sure to stash a few clean dishes in your room so you are never forced to clean a dish that is not yours. If it reaches over a few weeks and the pile of dishes is still on the counter, move that stack to their bed. It won’t be the dirtiest thing that has been there, at least. 
The Gift of Giving. Sometimes nothing says more than a thoughtful gift, and who doesn’t love to get presents, especially when they aren’t expecting them. Take the time to really think about what your roommate needs, and then get it for them. Do they listen to a lot of loud and annoying music, perhaps they need a new set of headphones. Do they stink? Who wouldn’t love a variety of extra strength deodorant? I’m assuming you get the picture. 
The Phone Call. This is really only for experienced passive aggression users, but I think including it here will give you something to work up to. A goal of sorts. If your roommate is out of control irritating sometimes the only option left is to call their mother. Let the figurehead of discipline in their family know how awful of a human being they are being. No issue is too small. They don’t change the toilet paper? Call their mother. They leave all the lights on and cupboards open? Call their mother. They are behaving in illicit activities that disrupt your sleep patterns and perform satanic rituals and don’t clean up after? Call their mother. 
Passive aggression isn’t always for the light hearted, but it is for anyone who does not wish to actually communicate as any normal and healthy adult.