Tis the season for making (and eventually breaking) New Year’s resolutions. Even if you are one of those people who say, ‘resolutions are lame, I’m not even going to bother this year’ get over yourself. You’ve made them and you are going to break them, just like everybody else. I get that everyone likes a clean slate, and even though ‘January 1st is astronomically insignificant,’ it’s socially significant – and that’s really what matters; but let’s face it, no matter what your resolution may be, you aren’t going to go through with it. The real key to following your resolutions is to not follow your resolutions – unless your resolution is to not go through with your New Year’s resolutions, then you’ve created a paradox and we’ll probably all die in a black hole of your creation. So thanks for that.
Your resolution notebook, as an optimist, probably looks something like this:
1. Hit the gym – gon’ be hella buff yo
2. Eat super healthy – salads for every meal, think like a rabbit
3. Read more – smart stuff, not just tabloids, but those, too
4. Spend less money – because for some reason hoarding money makes you a better person
5. Stop Procrastinating
What people don’t seem to realize, is that optimists and realists have entirely different languages. In the new year no matter what your state of mind, you briefly become an optimist, and make promises your normal self could never keep. In order to understand what you actually mean, you have to translate your optimism into realism.
This is your resolution notebook translated into realism:
1. Go to the gym once, remember the hell that is cardio, make excuses for not going until your membership expires
2. Eat less McDonalds/Taco Bell/Lazy/Smokes etc.
3. Watch half of a documentary on Netflix while you decide what show to binge next
4. Get really good at justifying every single purchase you make. Of course you need six $50 scarves from Urban Outfitters, it’s eventually going to get cold outside.
As you can see, the resolutions that you are making aren’t what you think you are making. After translating them into realism they become the opposite to what you thought. So in order to actually go through with them you have to not follow them. If your resolution is to go to the gym, it is actually to not go to they gym, so when you don’t go to the gym you are actually following the resolution you didn’t even realize you made! Do you follow? Probably not, but that’s okay. The real moral to this is that in 2015 you were a Lazy Fatass and no matter what your intentions may be, you will continue to be a Lazy Fatass in 2016. Happy New Year, you Inactive Chubbytush!