Since you first have a sexual awakening caused by an awkwardly attractive cartoon character (bonus points if it was a cartoon animal, Mufasa ftw) you’ve likely been experiencing crushes. Crushes, though they seem like a nice little way to occupy your time, are the actual worst. I mean they are called crushes for fucks sake, which totally insinuates that you will be crushed. Not a pleasant experience, if you ask me. Unsurprisingly, I have found that the stages of crushing on someone are paralleled with the stages of grief.
Denial: When you first start to like someone you are not going to acknowledge it, your mind will do anything in it’s power to ignoring your bubbling feelings; that’s because you unconsciously know that nothing good comes from having feelings, of any kind. The internet says that in terms of grief we go into denial because being numb is easier than feeling things, other than being true for general life, this is especially true when you have a crush. When you are numb to the idea of liking someone you can still be a somewhat functioning human being, but once that bubble of emotion bursts say goodbye to any kind of normally functioning life.
Anger: You start looking at their Facebook somewhat regularly, every time you see them in a picture looking in any way cozy with someone else you get angry. “Are they dating?” “Are they just FWB?” “What does this mean for our future relationship? “Is that stranger a threat???”
If you are ever in verbal contact with this person – which let’s face it, the chances are slim, as making eye contact for longer than a heartbeat is new next to impossible – everything they say makes you slightly angry, as you aren’t sure in what context to take it. “Do they like your shoes, or like-like your shoes?” “What does liking your shoes even mean?” “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST SAY WHAT THEY MEAN?”
Bargaining: At this point you’ve started creeping into obsessive territory, but you aren’t quite there yet. As you keep going back to their facebook profile you start making unrealistic deals with yourself, like: “I won’t drink myself into a stupor this weekend if they like my profile picture”. When it comes to crushes, you’ll do anything for them to notice you, and when they inevitably don’t you end up in stage four.
Depression: The realization that the chances of them actually returning your affections are slim to none begins to sink in. Consequently, this is when you’ve reached full blown obsession. When you aren’t over analyzing their latest tweet or instagram picture, you are mapping out your life together. You are married in every sense except for in reality. Except reality is the only state that counts, and thus you spiral into a lonely depression sponsored by Ben and Jerry’s and cat videos.
Acceptance: In most cases acceptance is a mere continuation of the depression stage except you’ve rolled back your ice cream intake; now that you are mentally back in the Singles Ready to Mingle Market you want to get back to looking damn fine. You got to the depression stage because you realized that you and your mental beau are never meant to be. You start looking for a cat companion to help you through this dark patch in your life, maybe two. All the cats. You aren’t just accepting your imaginary breakup, but also likely accepting the fact that your future might just be filled with cats. But that is A-Okay, cats will love you. Cats will love you furever.