After the success of the Science Formal, where tens of thousands of dollars, tens of thousands of hours of student work, and, one can only assume, billions of convener tears converged to create a singularly spectacular evening event, Queen’s administrators are trying to learn from the Engineering Society’s achievements.
“For decades, we have been following the same tired path as a university, and where has that gotten us?” said Principal Daniel Woolf. “We’ve been overpaying for labour, erecting unexciting buildings, and generally making things too easy for students. It’s time to step away from the mainstream.”
Woolf praised the faculty for their brave refusal to “do anything without making a big ostentatious deal out of it” and their “forward-thinking embrace of the effort justification principle”. “Where most other groups would have a boring banquet with a drab ‘included’ dinner, little risk of mass injury, and zero guest labour,” he said, singling out the Science Formal as an example, “they have, as with all their events, wisely taken another path. It’s time we learn from their successes.”
With that, Woolf announced a series of sweeping changes to be implemented across campus, starting immediately.
The old furniture in lecture halls and study rooms will be replaced with modern designs, made exclusively of plywood and papier mâché. The ILC’s Living Wall will be replaced with leaves meticulously hand-cut out of green paper. Or white paper that’s been painted green.
Queen’s experienced overqualified Physical Plant Services technicians will be let go. Instead, each student will be required to spend ten hours per week repairing wiring, clearing snow, and folding little paper flowers for the flowerbeds.
Tuition will be increased, but will now only cover admission to university grounds. Tickets for attending class, borrowing library books, and using campus wi-fi will be sold separately.
Each semester will have its own theme, copied wholesale from an existing bestselling literary franchise. The Winter 2015 term is slated to be called “007: On Her Majesty’s Admissions Waitlist.”
Woolf announced three brand new, state-of-the-art academic buildings to be constructed over the course of the upcoming year. They will open to much fanfare for a single, glamorous lecture, after which they will immediately be demolished to make way for next year’s lecture hall.
The University’s operating budget is expected to quintuple as a result of the changes. But before the bills come in, experts predict, it will be beautiful. And it will be worth it.