How many Generation Y punks are trying to carve out a job in “engineering” or “medicine”? More than you’d think. However, how many of these same jerks are looking to enter corporate social media administration or animal therapy? Well, that’s just the problem right there. These jobs are either nonexistent or in their infancy. And you wouldn’t want to fuck a baby now would you??
So prep your slim, delicate millennial bodies for the upcoming most lucrative jobs that value things such as “experience” and “growth” more so than anything trivial like “money” or “money”.
1. Yes Men – Let me stress that while it may be 2016, we are still at a junction in time where the only sycophant in an entourage can be a man. I’m ready to go out on a misogynistic limb and say that when Jason urges you to buttchug an aged red wine, it’s a fun and quirky gesture. But when Jessica turns around and encourages you to post an unfiltered selfie, she’s just being a manipulative waterhog who never had your real interests at heart. Let’s talk about the discrepancy y’all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Shit Eaters – The market is really inflated with people spewing shit at record intervals these days. So why not look into the ecological conservation and put ya money where ya mouth is. Eat some shit nerds!
3. College Athlete PR Manager – Not to get all bummer on this here cheery, derivative list of occupational wastes of time, but straight up most college athletes are garbage. I’m not trying to paint a broad derogatory spectrum that includes rape and physical abuse (though there has been quite a bit of that kind of horseplay) but maybe even someone who can handle the Twitter of any student athlete with professional prospects. Maybe we can refrain from posting that “women aren’t funny” every time we don’t laugh at an Amy Schumer joke?
4. Corporate Musical.ly Admin – Most social mediums and apps have their respective intern trying to craft an ironic and playful voice to subliminally target post-2000s teenagers. Finally musical.ly is making strides to present the statutory flirty vibe that boosted Jacob Sartorius into the stratesphere of wet dreams, but now availble to corporations such as Subway™! Climb aboard this trainwreck that stops only so you can piss on George Carlin’s grave!
5. Pug Therapists – Listen it’s a RUFF life out there for most pups and people. But no demographic has been hit harder than the beloved wrinkly-faced quadrupeds. And no I’m not talking about your grandmother after she gets some of of this good DIIIIIIIIIICK. So look into pug therapy because Allah knows that these little fur angels only have so many years of respiratory problems left.
6. Safe Space Stakeholders – The rise of the oceans is not the only thing we can look forward to in the next 10 years. We have an abundance of metaphorical safe spaces popping up and let me tell you brother, the real estate is looking real good! Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that these spaces aren’t technically tangible nor that buying real estate in the past has been proven to be a bad investment (Hello 2008? Anyone? More like 2000-and-late :P). The time to buy is nigh and if you’re a cis/hetero/white guy, let’s try to keep your involvement as minimal as possible.