Drunk 17 year old small-town Ontarians wandering aimlessly through an urban setting, disillusioned to their rapidly approaching future failures. No, this isn’t a Wednesday in London, Ontario, but Queen’s Homecoming. That’s right, a timeless tradition where we pretend to exhibit school spirit and support our sports teams but actually forgot to wear tricolour and have never been to the football game. That’s okay though, cuz you had a good time, I know since you posted on Instagram with the three colours of heart emojis. I went out too. Here are some things that happened that are of note.
1) Some girl lost her passport on Aberdeen at like 2pm.
“Wait hold on Carly, before we go onto an extremely drunk, crowded street, I need to grab my passport! There is a strong likelihood that we will be crossing an international border before we go home.” These are words that were probably spoken from one person to another when I saw online that someone posed “MISSING: Passport on Aberdeen” in a Queen’s group. Luckily one of the hundreds of people on Aberdeen found it and gave it back to this girl so she can make her redeye to Rhode Island for a funeral. Speaking of which, if you need to pick up a chick, check out that article about it later in the issue (FUCK YOU FOURTH WALL). Honestly though, things like this make me think the people behind Social Darwinism might not’ve been wrong about everything.
2) Walk Off The Earth played music and threw instruments at roadies.
Anyone who tells me Walk Off The Earth (WOTE for us true fans) isn’t a gimmicky load of shit needs to let me take a gimmicky load of shit on their chest. I feel like the music world was like: “You guys can play weird instruments and make YouTube videos? Enjoy playing on college campuses until you give up and go back to school and get a masters. There, at a Homecoming celebration, you see another band playing banjos and recorders and realize your existence was for naught.” Sorry, not a fan.
3) Alumni parade was a thing that happened.
Apparently they had an alumni parade that went from main campus to west campus – which was likely an attempt to murder older alumni and steal their valuables to fund new revitalization projects at the school. I don’t know who they were parading for or why exactly, but I know for a fact nobody drunk cared.
4) Somebody didn’t need to drink to have fun. Instead they got their buzz from telling people that condescendingly.
A lone student wanders through a backyard in search of their friends. They are 4 tallboys in with another coating their rugby shirt. A shadow falls over them as they avoid a pile of vomit. THE SHADOW POUNCES! “AH”, the student yells. It wasn’t a Cronenberg creature, or a murderer, but a student carrying a bottle of Dasani, fully erect, proclaiming ,“I DON’T NEED ALCOHOL TO HAVE FUN”.
Guess what, that’s fine but yeah whatever.
FUCK YOU GRANT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FINISH AN ARTICLE