Listen, I know that there are as many conspiracy theories about the Clintons as there are craters on the Moon. Depending on who you ask the Clintons have done everything from assassinate political opponents, to sell the United States of America to secret foreign banks who now use the country as a source of military manpower and food in order to establish a New World Order in cooperation with a species of reptilian aliens who feast on human flesh. Now I don’t buy into that because I’m not a crazy person. I’m just a normal guy who does normal things and believes all the normal stuff that everyone else does. At least I was. I was a normal guy until I discovered a conspiracy so large, so central to the lives of every student at Queen’s University that it had the capacity to bring down the Clintons and their reign of terror once and for all. I discovered that the Clintons did the pier.
Like the rest of you I was devastated when I found out that the pier would be closed this year. What was I supposed to do during frosh week? Where else can you wait out a heatwave that for some reason lasts into late fucking September? Where was I supposed to shotgun beers this year?
Devastation however morphed into horror when I discovered exactly why the pier was closed and just how high up the conspiracy went.
The revitalization of the pier was touted as an improvement to public infrastructure that would serve generations of Kingstonians and Queen’s students long into the future. But where did the money for this project come from? I did some digging and what I found was shocking. The money for the pier revitalization came from the Clinton Foundation!
Why, you ask, would the Clinton foundation fund the revitalization of a minor piece of waterfront infrastructure in a moderately sized town in Southern Ontario? Let me tell you. In the aftermath of the election of Donald Trump, applications by US students to study in Canada skyrocketed. Many young Americans sought to escape the country in order to be educated in one where the head of state can read not to mention take advantage of our comparatively cheap tuition. The problem for the Clintons though was that all the young Americans leaving the country tended to lean left on the political spectrum. Who would compete against the Republicans in 30 years if an entire generation of American liberals had fled to neighbouring Canada? No one that’s who! In order to stem the flow of America’s future leaders north of the border it fell to the Clintons and their vast kabal of underworld allies to make Canada’s best universities less appealing to American students. Enter the pier, one of Queen’s best Summer hang out spots. If the Clintons could get rid of that, then less Americans would want to flee to Queen’s. So that’s exactly what they did. A sizeable under-the-table donation from the Clinton foundation was all it took to buy the silence of Kingston’s municipal government and construction on the pier that would last 1-2 years therefore giving the Clintons more time to solidify America’s future Democratic base.
By writing this article I’ve put myself in the Clinton’s crosshairs, but you guys needed to know the truth. If I’m dead before this issue goes to print, shotgun a beer on the pier for me.
– Brendan Robson