Alright you little froshy animals. You’ve moved in, you’ve met your roommate, and you’ve said goodbye to your parents. What could be next? University is a new place with so many wild and exciting experiences, there’s so many awesome things you could try. Well I’m here to tell you that there should only be one thing on your mind right now. At this moment you should only be thinking of how you’re going to go about fucking one of your floormates.
“But hey!”, I hear you exclaim like the naive little frosh you are, “literally the one thing that everyone has told me since I got here is that floorcest is a bad idea”.
“Listen here you piece of shit”, I respond in an inappropriately angry and confrontational way, “all of those people were stupid, morally bankrupt, and wrong”.
The truth is floorcest is like heroin, it’s ok as long as you’re smart about how you do it. That’s why the Golden Words is here, to give you the definitive guide on how to get laid, paid, and find yourself at the centre of a massive, friendship-destroying confrontation in res.
STEP ONE: PICK A TARGET
Who is it that you want to sleep with? This is largely personal preference. Any consenting floormate who you find physically attractive will do. The only piece of advice I would offer would be this: make sure they live as close to you as possible. Sleeping with Sarah from down the hall is cool and all, but Becky only lives two doors away! That’s such quick access to sex all year, what could go wrong?
STEP TWO: DO THE DEED
You’ve found the one for you, now all you need to do is act on the basic animal instincts that you were born with and start enjoying your new, no strings attached sex life. Ideally the hookup should be done with little to no planning. If it’s not spontaneous and at least a bit sloppy it doesn’t really count.
STEP THREE: DO IT AGAIN
That was great wasn’t it! The best part is they live so close. Make it a habit to keep hooking up at various intervals of frequency (a.k.a whenever you savages have the time). Ideally you want to do this for a couple of months. You can keep this a secret or tell every person on God’s green earth that you two are hooking up. The end result will be the same either way, and here at Golden Words we believe in everyone having their own unique floorcest experience.
STEP FOUR: DON’T COMMUNICATE ABOUT IT AT ALL
This is the MOST important step. I cannot stress this enough. Do not under any circumstance discuss “what you are” or talk about “your feelings”, that’s all a giant load of horseshit. Why would you ruin perfectly good casual sex with all this talk of relationships or notions of being open to each other. You’ll know you’re doing this step right if you can’t tell whether or not the other person values you as more that a sexual object or if they even like you in a platonic sense at all.
STEP FIVE: STOP HAVING SEX
This should ideally be abrupt and jarring. Again remember it’s vital that you don’t communicate about this either. After you stop having sex, allow resentment for the other person to build up within yourself. Think about all the shit they did to you until you can’t hold it back any longer. Let negative emotions fill your entire being with rage and disgust.
STEP SIX: HAVE A GIANT PUBLIC FIGHT ABOUT IT
Make this step your own. Nothing is off limits and there’s no such thing as too far. Yell, attack the other person, break shit, fight in the common room, the sky’s the limit here. All you need to do is make sure you get the floor involved. Call on mutual friends to back you up, try to undermine the other person’s reputation, start to create factions and divisions within the floor and allow your resentment to be multiplied and felt on a floor wide scale. See your previously friendly floormates descend into savagery and viciously turn against each other in one fell swoop.
STEP SEVEN: OBSERVE THE CARNAGE
Look upon your work you beautiful bastard. You may have gotten laid, but your entire floor got fucked. Friendships were ended, insults were made, and tears were shed. Your once happy and unified floor is now more similar to post Civil War America. You’re all moving out in a couple months so there’s no time to undo the massive amounts of social damage that your horny ass has done. Time to make some new friends and start going to clubs to have questionable sexual encounters.