The Future of Energy


Stop investing in solar power, nuclear power, tidal power, power rangers and any other mambo-jambo bullshit all the ‘scientists’ are parading around as ‘the future of energy’. Lies. The future of energy lies within Queen’s University.

As I sat on the stationary bikes in the ARC watching Netflix and barely moving my legs I was struck by a thought. Not the thought that there are way too many people here and Dwight Schrute was right, we do need a new plague. Instead, I realized that the ARC is a lose-lose situation. They use energy to power all the machines and every student there is using energy trying to burn off all those pounds in time for the summer that is approaching us as fast as your grades are dropping. Approaching terminal velocity amirite?

As my legs turned the pedals at approximately 12RPM’s, (new record speed go me!!) I considered the possibility of powering the ARC via all the cardio machines. This idea has been seen in cartoons and whatnot, but no one ever considered putting it into a university gym. Where else are you going to find thousands of people packing on the pounds from hours spent at Club Stauff eating a chocolate bar every time they turn the page, desperately looking for a way to have that summer body they need to make all their old high school friends jealous?

Now, now, I know what you’re thinking. How could those machines possibly power the ARC? That thing is massive, there’s like, a bajillion floors.! Yes grasshopper, I know there are a lot of floors, those stairs are the fucking worst. I always consider taking the elevator but I don’t want to give off the impression that I am literally the scum of the earth. If not the whole ARC, perhaps the machines could just power some fans. Or maybe even air conditioning because it is a violation of my human rights that I have to lift my 5 pound weights in 35 degree heat. What’s worse, the heat makes people sweat and it is just so unappetizing to hop on the bike when the seat is moist and I can see my reflection in the water droplets. At the gym, my reflection is the last thing I want to see.

I will continuing working on my hypothesis, because, as my hero Macklemore once said “The greats weren’t great because at birth they could paint, the greats were great because they paint a lot”. I don’t even like to paint but like whatever thanks anyway M Dawg. Or I’ll wait until Arts ’22 (I mean Sci ’21, oops) can do an MEA out of this. MEA? More like ME-YAY.