Listen here. We go to one of the finest universities in a country that is pretty great. I know that at Queen’s sometimes a horse will get slapped or we’ll let a gender studies student get a degree and pretend that they’ve graduated, but overall I’d like to think that we can hold our heads high and rest assured that we go to a great school. This is a school that has produced Governors General, Rhodes Scholars, and a fucking Nobel Laureate. Despite all of this. Despite the fact that all evidence points to this school being able to pride itself on the overall intelligence of its student body. Despite the fact that we have one of the lowest acceptance rates in the country. Despite the average undergrad having a high school average of 88%. Despite all of this. Apparently, NONE OF YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO WHISPER!
I’m not even sure how funny this article will be. This is a crusade for me. My zealotry on this issue knows no bounds. It is my personal quest to spread the word of how fucking simple it is to whisper in lectures and I will not rest until I stop hearing all of the conversations that you people are having at regular conversation value in the middle of a lecture theatre. So here it goes. There’s an implicit assumption in this article that you have the functional literacy required to properly understand and digest it. Normally I wouldn’t have to address a concern as small as this, but given the fact that you have made it to university without being able to whisper I’m guessing there’s a decent chance you made it here without being able to read above a third grade level. If you’ve made it this far and have understood everything that I’ve written and also not thrown down this paper in the anger that has taken over your being as a result of me calling you on your horseshit then I guess we’re good to get started.
Here’s the craziest part. I can’t really even properly write a guide on whispering, it’s that simple. The skill that a seemingly large percentage of you do not possess is so elementary that it barely merits a guide. I have been sitting in this chair for like half an hour and I cannot think of a way to make a guide on how to whisper longer than even a couple sentences. This preamble here is pretty much to fill a space quota and stop the verbal abuse that is being hurled at me by the editors and other writers. Anyways I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat right now so I’ll cut to the chase. To put it simply, whispering isn’t just talking quietly. This is the crux of the issue from what I’ve observed. If you just talk slightly quieter than normal your voice still resonates and everyone within 50 feet can still hear your ever so slightly muted conversation about your pet cat or some shit. To properly whisper you need to make sure that you’re not voicing any of your speech. Now this is kind of a complicated subject to explain in print media and despite my tone of superiority I’m not really that smart either, but in case any of you whispering challenged folks thinks that absolves you of the blame you bear for not being able to accomplish this mind bogglingly simple task then you are sorely mistaken. Here’s how to start, place your hand on your throat. No I’m not telling strangle yourself, I’m not that psychopathic, and as I said it is my quest to ensure that every student on this campus can whisper so my goal is to teach. Now with your hand on your throat do what you think is whispering. Speak the exact way that you would speak to a friend with you in a lecture. If your throat didn’t vibrate then congratulations you can whisper! Your parents must be really fucking proud of you. If your throat vibrated then you can’t whisper and everyone you’ve ever had a lecture with has heard every conversation you’ve ever had in a lecture. Let this sink in. You need help, and I’ll give it to you. I can’t explain this any other way. Try to breathe out your words. That’s pretty much all I can say. This task is so simple that it is difficult to explain on a fundamental level. Kind of like eating or not taking a urinal next to one that’s already being used. Just keep practising different variations of talking until you find one where your throat stays as un-vibrated as a sex toy in a house with no batteries.
There it is. I hope my abrasive and combative tone helped you in being able to possess a skill so simple that there are children who can’t wipe their own asses that are capable doing it. So long and farewell fuckwads. You now have no excuse to put everyone through your fuckery at 8:30 AM anymore.