Following an eventful week for our neighbour to the South, it has become essential for Golden Words to do its best to aid any Queen’s students going through tough times in reaction. Seek the step by step guideline below for help coping with tragic events like an orange baboon’s presidential victory.
1) Curse the gods
Your pantheon has forsaken you, so return the favour! Your prayers to Nike, goddess of victory went unanswered and she is dead to you now. You were planning on honouring Dionysus with a grand party to celebrate the victory of Hillary, but he does not currently deserve your love or your revelry. Apollo will never hear your fire mixtape, and Aphrodite will never again rule your tinder account. You are your own person, hell yeah!
You will immediately realize that cursing all the gods is a bad move, so sacrifice a bull to appease them in their wrath. If you do not want Zeus to strike you with his lightning, or Hades to send you to Tartarus when you die, you should not oppose the Olympian gods for long. A sacrifice is a good first step for repairing relations. Remember that human sacrifice is not acceptable unless the person is a non-believer.
3) Consult the Oracle of Delphi
Pythia, the Oracle at Delphi can use her gift of prophesy to help you see your future. If you are spending too much time worrying about your uncertain future under a Trump presidency, you should speak with Pythia to obtain reassurance. Be wary, for knowing too much of your future can be dangerous.
4) Escape the Labyrinth
This one is metaphorical obviously, because Theseus escaped from the Labyrinth after slaying the minotaur of course. To overcome any grief you are currently going through you must escape its labyrinth in your mind. Greif is a maze of emotion or something profound like that, so if you can escape its labyrinth you will come out stronger.
5) Embrace bestiality
Zeus has spent his life impregnating women as everything from a bull to an eagle to a motherfucking swan. If it works for him, it may work for you too. Just be careful not to sire any horrific monsters.
6) Grant humanity the gift of fire
Sometimes doing good deeds can help you feel better and distract you from those feels that you’ve been trying to avoid. Granting humans the gift of fire will help bring humanity forward by leaps and bounds. Proceed with caution, for if you get caught Zeus will probably punish you by chaining you to a rock for eternity while an eagle devours your liver every day infinitely. Fun!
7) Lure a beautiful goddess into your underground palace and force her to marry you after she eats the fruit of your underground garden
The key to getting through tough times is having a lifelong companion to lean on. Having a wife to listen to you complain about Donald Trump is probably healthier than complaining about it in YouTube comments sections (probably). The problem is that you do not have a wife. This problem can be easily remedied by ensnaring a beautiful woman in your underground palace by giving her a pomegranate. Mazel Tov on your marriage!
8) Trick a cyclops through calling yourself “Nobody”
Your big problem is that you’re used to winning. After months of Donald Trump telling you that you are in a country that doesn’t win, his rhetoric finally rang true when you supported the loser. You need to learn humility and learn how to lose. You can do this by simply trapping yourself in the cave of a cyclops, and telling him you are nobody to confuse him so that you can eventually ambush him and poke out his eye. Simple yet effective!
9) Get your dad to puke up your all your brothers and sisters who he ate to prevent them from rising up and overthrowing him
Your dad ate all your brothers and sisters to supress revolt, but you were spirited away before he could eat you! Now all you can think of is how much easier it would be to grieve in the aftermath of the election if you could talk about it with all your semi-digested siblings. If you can induce your father to vomit, you’ll have all kinds of new friends to hang out with!
10) Know that you know nothing
Embrace a little philosophy and acknowledge that the world is not your oyster. Once you accept that not everything is in your control, and you do not know everything, you will be able to accept the terrible outcome of the presidential election.
11) Open Pandora’s box
Because if you’re going to live through this hell for four to eight years, everyone else should have to live through hell too.