Here’s a jarring fact: upwards of 95% of all people ever will die. Shocking, I know, but believe me when I say there are bigger fish to fry. Like CoD. Man I love Call of Duty, kill some zombies and Russians and shit. How could anyone be depressed when stuff like that exists? Well I’ll tell you: I don’t know. What I will tell you is that depression affects approximately 6.7 percent of US citizens in a year! That’s like 235,000 Canadians a year, which really isn’t that many. But since all of them will die at some point in time give or take 1 or 2 (shoutout to my immortal deities!), they will all suffer from pre-mortem depression.
Pre-mortem depression is rough. Hopefully you know what it’s like being sad when your grandfather dies. Now imagine being sad when he’s alive. And your grandmother, mother, father, siblings, cousins, friends etc. Literally everyone – you’re sad always. Oh Auntie Rae is alive and well? Sad. Your 5 year old brother just got home from school? Sad. Your side hoe is coming over after classes for a good seed-planting? Sad. You live in a state of perpetual sadness, like Nebraska.
My patented, completely unique and 100% original idea should get get rid of that pre, guaranteed or your sanity back. It’s called ‘Enjoying life while it happens and living in the moment’. Wait, before you close this paper at least hear me out. It’s like, instead of being sad about what could happen in the future, you enjoy things while they happen? I know it sounds foreign and crazy, but like, don’t be sad about people dying until they die. Cause everyone, give or take 1 or 2, dies. Oh Auntie Rae is alive and well? Ambivalent. Your 5 year old brother just got home from school? Standard. Your side hoe is coming over after classes for a good seed-planting? Fertile. You live in a state of constant normality, like Virginia. Being happy is possible and my method will get you back to goodness. For only $49.99 a month a week, I Mitchell Thomas, will make you as happy as I am. Call the toll free number, 1-800-787-7437, and I promise you that you will be happier. Just listen to these testimonials: “Yo guy, I was suffering hard from the pre, but Mitchell Thomas killed my son and now I suffer from post-mortem depression! Oh my son…Kevin!!!” Or even this classic testimony, ”When my wife was alive I would pre all the time. Now she’s dead. Thanks Mitchell Thomas!!”
Hey guys, I’m Thomas Mitchell, I’ll murder your loved ones and you’ll thank me for it! You can’t put a price on happiness, but I did! When I was a youth, I was sad all the time but once my father was ‘mysteriously’ murdered and the culprit was never found 😉 I started beaming! Life became a joy and the unmarked shed in the back of my yard that smells like decomposing flesh was my safe haven. Do not go in there, for your loved one’s’ own good.
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