The Joy of Getting Married At Twenty

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It’s 2016, if you’re not married by now then you’re anti-establishment and these days being ‘anti-anything’ is bad news bears. A buddy of mine uses anti-aging stuff and the elderly community absolutely hates him. He woke up one morning with dentures in his mouth and found his teeth in the adult diaper strapped to his waist. Anyway, be progressive for once and find yourself a misses (or mister). As the saying goes, ‘happy wife, happy life’, and I want a happy life.

You’re a hot able-bodied 20 year old and it’s time to settle down. Why go to house parties and hook-up with a different person each night, enriching your sexual background and living life to the fullest when you can just get married? If you’re with anyone for – lets say 8 months – propose. They’ll be so flabbergasted, stunned and justifiably shocked that they’ll have to say yes! Congratulations, you’re engaged! Time to start planning the wedding.

First pick a date and you know you gotta do a June wedding, that shit’s lit dude! Next up is the venue and bruh you know we’re hitting up the White Elephant hotel in Martha’s Vineyard! The beautiful vineyards combined with that crisp clean New England air is perfect for the matrimony of two people that can’t even drink at their own wedding (PRO TIP: Buy a new tuxedo so you don’t wear the one you wore to your high school prom two years ago). Time to consummate the marriage. Good thing you have the sexual experience of a high schooler (an 18 year-old one)!

Honeymoon: I’m thinking Bali. Get your parents to buy the plane tickets and book the hotel, ‘cause you’ve never had to do any of that. Get to Bali and enjoy your vacation. Start to second guess your new life decision but repress those feelings and keep having honeymoon coitus.

Get back from Bali and resume your mundane lives, which I guess is going to university. Realize that the appeal of getting married is wearing off. Kids? Hell no! You don’t have the income to support yourself let alone another human being! Keep faking being happy as your significant other does too and slowly drifts apart. Why’d you get married? You’re a hot able-bodied 20 year old who has their whole life ahead of him. Time to get a divorce.

First pick a lawyer who you know can get you all your nonexistent stuff. Then pick a trial date and you know you gotta hit up that classic mid-February cold wintry trial! Continue to live in your shared house to prove that you have custody over your leased 5 bedroom one bathroom house on Aberdeen. Stay in heated litigation for over a year and differ from school to figure your life out. Get a shitty settlement offer and accept it because you want to end this living hell that you’ve created. You’re finally done. You’re a bachelor again and on the prowl. Unfortunately, now you’re known as ‘the married guy’ around campus and that will never change.

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