The Official List of People Who Would Be Better Presidential Candidates Than the Actual Presidential Candidates


Greg the Stockboy

Greg’s always at work on time. Greg’s always nice. Greg never gets angry. Greg’s also great on foreign policy, is passionate about campaign finance reform, and is determined to close down Guantanamo.

Edward Scissorhands

Unfairly criticized for both his lack of normal boy hands and his abundance of scissor-person hands, Edward Scissorhands has a long history of contributing to his country, from crafting ice sculptures to making it snow across the world. The accusations against him range from bank robbery to assault (possibly with a weapon, depending on how you define his hands) but all of them have been proven false. And even if you believe they’re true, are they really any worse than what Trump has done?

One of the Kids from “Stranger Things” (Except for the one who plays Dustin)

I don’t know, people seem to like them. They’re young, they’re innocent, and people believe in them. The country could use that right now. Just not that little bastard that plays Dustin.

Ken Bone

He just seems like a nice, innocent man. From his red sweater to his glasse- wait, he said what on Reddit?

Jimmy Carter

Old Jimmy got left behind after he lost the 1980 election, but he’s still eligible for a second term. Unlike the actual candidates, he’s done the job before. He’s alive. Those two characteristics may not seem very convincing, but the bar has been set pretty low.

Steve Buscemi

He volunteered as a firefighter on 9/11. What did the actual candidates do on 9/11?


Jeb Bush

Too incompetent to do any real damage, and good for a laugh every once in awhile. Fuck it, why not?