This past weekend my life was touched by a dark force that I will never be able to shed. It strolled innocently into my life with a smile on its face, but there was a darker menace lurking underneath that sweet facade. I bought fries cut into the shape of smiley faces. How could that be a bad thing? you ask, but, oh my friends, was it ever bad. Curse you, McCain’s Smiles! Curse you for what you have done to me! I won’t be able to smile the same ever again.
Watching those fries cook as they swirled in a pot of boiling oil is an image I will never be able to escape. Oil exploded out of their eyes and morphed their cheery smiles into grimaces of drooling insanity. They seemed to taunt me in their wild abandon and peered into my heart in the most distressing ways. Then the worst of it came about. They began spinning and spinning as if I was performing an exorcism on the potato devil incarnate. And as they spun and spun I was hypnotized by those devilish grins until all I could hear was the voices saying over and over again, “I’m watching you as you watch me, and as you taste me… I taste your soul.”