The Secret Society that is “Physical Plant Services”


Whether you are a frosh in Fine Arts or a grad student in Physics, you’ve seen them. Lurking from the shadows, the Physical Plant Services wait in their over priced, chromed-out Ford F-250’s. Now you may not have paid much attention to them but hey, what do they actually do? They avoid suspicion from the public eye by occasionally doing legitimate work like mowing the lawn twice a year and plowing the snow 48 hours after it has fallen. However, we planted an undercover reporter with them for the last year and a half to help us uncover the truth. Physical Plant Services is actually a Satanic cult that manufacturers Anthrax, and is a front for meth distribution in the Kingston and the Napanee area. PPS originally started as a legitimate operation that maintained the campus. But a failed drop out in the late 80’s known as Bill Haden started it all: Bill was too ashamed to go home to his family as a failure after flunking, and decided to join the Canadian forces. He was deployed during the Gulf War, with a squad consisting of 9 other elite soldiers. After the war 5 of the original squad members including Bill were ready to get back into the work at the jobs they were promised by the Canadian forces, which ended up being an empty promise.
After being stripped of any existing benefits that veterans are promised, they were broke and jobless. However, Bill remembered the job he applied for at Queen’s with PPS right before he enlisted. He was instantly hired upon his arrival back to Kingston along with all of his remaining squad mates. Bill was still bothered about flunking out of Queen’s, and through his low self esteem he was recruited into a Satanic cult based at RMC. Over the next 3 years he rose through the ranks, but left after an argument over pizza toppings with the leader. He ended up grouping his former squad mates into a new cult based on similar principles to the first one, except this one did not allow pineapple on any pizza orders they made. Over the years the cult has recruited many new members, with their initiation process consisting of doing any legitimate work PPS is responsible for.
The group has been known to poison the occasional member who is disloyal with new members required to conduct the killings, to prove their loyalty. PPS is also known to abduct the occasional student to sacrifice them as a way of pleasing Lucifer (which explains why they will often be seen in idling trucks parked on sidewalks). The cult has weekly meetings–Tuesday night is their weekly wine and cheese party where they plan new abductions over vintage merlots, while Saturday is “Slay night”, where abducted frosh meet their demise. “It’s all for the greater good” said Bill to our undercover reporter, “we are actually doing most of them a favour.”
Bribes made out to the Kingston Police to keep abductions off the radar started becoming expensive in the early 2000’s. and their wages were not enough to cover the rising cost. PPS turned to distributing meth to subsidize operational costs. Anthrax production only became popular after a 3rd year biology student flunked out in the late 2000’s and joined the cult. “While it is hard to find customers for the product, they pay top dollar” said Sarah, the dropout biology student. “We have customers in Somalia, Sudan, and North Korea–we even had a man from Texas approach us saying he may need it to defend his home cuz freedom and stuff.”
Now you may be thinking why does the University continue to monetarily support the Physical Plant Services. Well it’s simply because the university is too busy asking for money from debt ridden students as “donations” and are too busy fight their “War On Terror Hazing”. If you are interested in learning more about the organization, you are asked to talk with Bill at Physical Plant Services between the hours of 2am-5am Monday-Friday located right behind Stirling Hall.