The Statistics of “Closer”


The Chainsmokers’ hit song “Closer” featuring whoever the fuck it’s featuring has been Billboard’s number one single for eight weeks straight. This is certainly unexpected considering it’s a pretty bland song by a band—excuse me—DJs who’s only previous success came from a David Hasselhoff cameo. Statistically speaking the song should be a barely visible mole on the left kneecap of obscurity and yet, inexplicably it remains at the top of the charts. So naturally, we organized a special commission to discover who exactly is responsible for Closer’s success.

39% — Drunk partygoers

24% — Alcoholics who relate to the second line: “I drink too much and that’s an issue” as well as the general sentiment: “I-uh-I-uh-I can’t stop.”

14% — Residents of Boulder, Colorado hoping in vain that their town might become known for something other than Jon Benét Ramsey

11% — Fifteen-year-old emos with suicide pacts who thought the line “we ain’t ever getting older” which was repeated 17 times in the song was “just so meaningful to me, like, it really makes me think of like—my life and stuff.”

6% — Execs at Jaguar Land Rover grateful for the free publicity

4% — Residents of Tucson, Arizona who figure that, in terms of songs that namedrop their city, it’s a close second after The Beatles’ “Get Back”

2% — Justin Bieber fanfic writers imagining Biebs as the enigmatic girl with the tattoo on her shoulder

<1% — Blink 182 trying to figure out why their twitter has been blowing up with messages from twelve year old girls <1% — Hillary Clinton who, according to a recent tweet, was exposed to it by her granddaughter and now she just cant get enough #pleasevoteformemillennials