The Things You Probably Did Last Night

0
3

So it’s a regular ol’ weeknight in the ghetto, you went out with your friends, had a couple of drinks, and last thing you remember, you were having a great time until you woke up this morning wondering what happened… According to the statisticians in the Queen’s Faculty of Polling, this is the likelihood of what happened to you last night:

  1. You had a good time: Highly unlikely, as everyone knows alcohol is brewed with a bitter mix of regret and deep self-loathing, and no matter how cool it looks, it’s 95% guaranteed to instantly turn you into a dependent wreck of an alcoholic… Haven’t you watched D.A.R.E.?
  2. You put on something embarrassing: That pink slightly vomit stained tutu in your garbage was almost certainly on your person at one point.
  3. You were in line at Ale and casted a longing gaze at Fluid: 85% – unless you have actually been there, in which case 0% because everyone knows Fluid is the goddamned worst.
  4. You got into a fight with a townie: Considerably likely, especially if you like the Leafs and/or hate the Sens and/or enjoy picking fights and/or are just a generally shitty person.
  5. You hooked up with that person, yes that one person that you know you shouldn’t have hooked up with (I’m looking at you Sarah!): 69% … heh.
  6. You blew a goat: If you’re an engineering frosh, ya definitely blew some goats; if you’re not in first year: probably not, because you know better than to do that.
  7. Puked: Yes, that 100% happened because you very nearly poisoned yourself with alcohol last night. That’s what a hangover is, stupid; it’s your body recovering from nearly being poisoned. Why do you do this to yourself, it’s cripplingly bad for you [Editorial note, this article is written by your liver].
  8. You at any point said “Drunk Pizza is the best Pizza”: 50% chance you said it like this was a revelation no one had ever had before, 85% chance you said this with a look of ecstasy with your gaze at the heavens with gross cheese strings hanging off of your mouth 100% chance you neglected to tip the delivery guy.
  9. You said something douchey about another faculty: 100% provided you’re not in Arts & Science, if you are in Arts & Science (my condolences), in which case the odds are 100% someone made a douchey joke about Arts and Science to you.
  10. After your FREC Appreciation, you were carried home, rallied at one in the morning, and proceeded to play your housemate at Chess … and won: Yo this definitely happened.
Comments