The Totally True Story of what I did with my Monday


For those of you who didn’t know, Monday March 20th was free cone day at Dairy Queen. To celebrate the anniversary of the ice cream chain’s founding they would be giving away one small vanilla ice cream cone to all customers. Like any rational human being I was over the moon with excitement at the prospect of getting Dairy Queen ice cream for free. There was however, a catch. I called the nearest Dairy Queen to confirm that the free cones were in fact available at our local franchise. What they told me was catastrophic. Free cone day was only happening in America.

It would have been easy for me to give up right then and there. After all a small cone at Dairy Queen is only $1.99. If I really wanted one I could just walk downtown and spend what is still a relatively paltry sum of money to enjoy a frosty treat to ring in the warm spring weather. But then again I’m not a fucking quitter. No, I was undeterred in my commitment to cash in on what was my inalienable right to receive a free cone from Dairy Queen regardless of the passport I held. I had a plan, and I had an enthusiasm that bordered almost on zealotry to taste the delicious Dairy Queen frozen treat that we have all come to know and love.

The plan was simple. I needed to get to the nearest American Dairy Queen, in Watertown New York. This Dairy Queen was 107 KM from my house by car. However there was a problem I don’t own a car, and my passport was at my parents over 400 KM away from Kingston. No if I were to to make it to Dairy Queen on March 20th not only would I need to make it to America, I’d have to sneak into the country once I’d arrived. What I needed was a boat, and thankfully Kingston is not short on those.

I awoke at 4 AM on the 20th. The day of reckoning had arrived. I quickly made my way to the Kingston Yacht Club and commandeered a dingy, the first of many criminal offenses that would be committed in the name of claiming my Dairy Queen birthright. Sailing at a breakneck speed of 6 knots I made landfall in Watertown 7 hours later at 11 AM. After quickly hiding my boat in some bushes I made my way to the Dairy Queen on foot. At this point I was an unregistered foreigner on US soil so time was of the essence. Eventually the authorities would wise up to my scheme and it was vital that I had made good my escape by then. At 11:30 AM I arrived at Dairy Queen and claimed my cone. Neither victory, nor Dairy Queen ice cream had ever tasted so sweet. As I ate my ice cream I made my way back to where I had landed my boat and began to sail towards friendly Canadian shores. I arrived back in Kingston just before 7 PM. I returned the dingy to the Yacht Club in the hopes that were my shenanigans to ever come under the scrutiny of the law it would mitigate any punishments I received.

And that’s about it. That’s totally what I did with my Monday. I stole a watercraft and snuck into the US to get a free ice cream cone worth $2. I totally didn’t just spend it watching netflix and eating goldfish.