The Unappreciated Gem that is #FreeTheSack


Nowadays, social movements can be thrown together by any angsty 14 year-old with a laptop. I, for one, feel that #FreeTheSack is a movement that has not received the attention it deserves.

The stigma regarding the Shrively Plums of Man has gone too far. I am here to bring attention to social acceptance of #FreeTheSack. Man was bestowed balls, as such he should be able to display them. I’m sorry elderly who can’t see clearly and think marbles are making a comeback) – something far cooler is! Look around you (and slightly downward). The wheels of change are in motion, and people are starting to take notice (of things slightly downward as well.)

Scientists have created a solution: A pair of pants designed specifically to remedy the problem of hidden gems. No need to get your legs cold, these will solve your problems. I would like to present to you, Nutless Jorts™. Utilizing the latest in men’s fashion and scientific innovation, Nutless Jorts™ come with a small hole for low-hanging fruits, allowing any man to strut confidently down the street displaying Pride and Joy. (Personally I call mine John and Hancock but to each his own.) Made by other like-minded fellows in the sweatiest of shops in Bangladesh and Vietnam, these jorts have an opening from which you can let your worries hang and sway.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s going to happen once winter starts to come? Isn’t my little mistletoe gonna get frostbite?” Don’t fret, if you find the colder months be a little nippy for you, no worries! The genius minds behind Nutless Jorts™ have a festive friend to keep you snug in these hard times. Ball-cosies are hand-knitted cosies for your Johnson and Johnson that are made from only the finest Tibetan monk wool. These attach to your jorts and provide warmth and pleasure through testicular insulation. Festive renditions are in production for those religious nuts.

Valentine’s Day: A time for sweets and sweet nuts.
Halloween: When people get a fright and your balls will be out all night.
St. Patty’s Day: To keep your balls saucy during St. Pat-dicks.
New Year’s Eve: To keep your balls warm when the ball drops.
Hanukkah: 2 spectacular sights for 8 magical nights.
Christmas: Balls out for JC.

Even Queen’s isn’t free from this stigma: the squat test that all male upper years must perform before entering the pit for grease pole is oppressing man’s ability to display his nards. #FreeTheSack is petitioning to put an end to the squat test and let every man wear shorts as short as his heart desires and let nuts hang as low as they want.

Finally, a new innovation brings #FreeTheSack to a social space where people can chat reminiscent of the late 90’s fad the internet café. Nut-chat café. NCC as it’s known, is a place for like-minded, nut-conscious people to go to hang-out and let it hang out. As long as people are okay with it, all are welcome! And although some balls may hang lower than others, all balls are welcome.

In order for events like these events to occur, we will need continued funding. If you want to donate to this well-rounded venture, please contribute. We’re looking for proper funding not a 50 cent donation. We’d like to thank our sponsor ‘Balls to the Walls Squash Foundation’ for their continued support.