The Underground to Cut Unessential, Non-Line Up Services


It’s time for another change at the Underground, say AMS executives. In response to sinking sales since last year’s rebranding, costs must be cut. But AMS Vice-President of Operations Justin Reekie has a plan to streamline operations while still providing students the same basic service.

“That’s why, starting in January 2015, the Underground will re-open as a queue-only service,” announced Reekie on Sunday. “We’re stripping down the Underground to it’s core. We asked, ‘what’s special about this club? What do they get here that they don’t get anywhere else?’ And the answer was obvious. The heart of this club is, and always has been, the line-up experience”.

The new Underground Nightclub will feature a deeper, steeper staircase with several tiers of bidirectional queueing. Customers will line up for several hours while being treated to a constant barrage of vomit from drunken peers above, and suffocating smoke from patrons below.

Upon reaching the nadir, patrons will experience the Underground’s enhanced ID Check Station. Here, the customer can receive either a complimentary wait for the manager, or opt to pay a nominal fee to have a team of professional Stu Cons personally run their ID through a curated collection of checks and special scrutiny. When finished, guests will be able to enjoy a second queueing experience on their way out.

“Running the night-club as a conventional drinks-and-dance-floor setup just wasn’t working,” explained Reekie, who was behind the rebranding of the former Alfie’s Nightclub in 2013.

“We tried gradually cutting back on costs, we tried inefficient new security protocols, we tried filthier grime, and eventually we noticed something: no matter how terrible the atmosphere, how many badly-thought-out ID-scanning procedures we implemented, or how bad the service quality got, people just kept on waiting in line.”

The discovery was remarkable: the slower people were let in, the longer the line got, and the more people thought there was something waiting for inside. The rest was history.

“This is a revolution in nightclubs. We know it will be a hit with Queen’s students,” said Reekie, before excusing himself. “I hear it’s going to rain tonight, so I know where I’ll be — cold, wet, and waiting for the group of exchange students in front of me to get their foreign ID’s checked, at the Underground!”