The Untold Story of Bernie Sanders’ Endorsement of Hillary Clinton


Secretary Hillary Clinton had spent the primaries being treated as the phony, establishment candidate, in opposition to the radical authenticity of Senator Bernie Sanders. It left her with a bad aura going into the general election, and the most straightforward way of clearing it was an endorsement from Sanders. But she wasn’t prepared for what would be required of her to receive such an honour.

It all began with a meeting with the Sanders campaign after she received the nomination. She was expecting to meet with the man himself, but instead ended up in an elegant office with his head advisor, the oldest man she had ever seen: “Senator Sanders is open to endorsing you,” the man rasped, “on three conditions:” Hillary didn’t know what to expect, but never could she have ever imagined what was going to be asked of her. “One, Bernie cannot be near bright lights. Two, don’t get him wet. Three, whatever you do, never, ever, feed him after midnight.”

Hillary was shocked. Those were identical to the rules from the 1984 horror comedy Gremlins. She was sure of it – she had seen the film numerous times.

She wasn’t really sure what to make of it all, but she knew that the endorsement was central to securing the Democratic base, so she went with her gut, accepted the terms, and hoped for the best. And at first, things went well. They travelled the country together, and presented the image of a party united against Trump.

But things soon started to fall apart. While journalists were covering an event the two were present for, some photographer took Bernie’s picture without turning off their flash, causing him to screech in pain, and cower under the table in terror. A few days later, the two were ambushed by heavy rain, and they were unable to get Bernie an umbrella in time. He slowly started to grow, change shape, and finally divide into a multitude of Bernie Sanderses. Hillary let the original keep his name, and named the others: Meanie Sanders, Silly Sanders, Sleepy Sanders, Smiley Sanders, and finally Sappy Sanders.

Hillary had failed to meet most of Bernie’s advisor’s conditions, but the consequences seemed fairly minor. All she had to do was keep the existence of the other Sanderses secret from the public, and not feed them after midnight. Little did she know her watch was broken. So when the Sanderses woke her up asking for some Lucky Charms, she had no idea it was 2:07am.

The next day, all the Sanderses, with the exception of Bernie, had transformed into cocoons. Slowly, monsters began to come out of the cocoons. The Sanderses had grown full heads of hair, their skin changed orange, and they became incapable of forming full sentences, instead shouting single words like “Wrong!” or “Sad!”

Hillary was shocked. The candidate most reviled by the left was at one point an exact copy of the candidate they loved most. If this secret got out, it would devastate and confuse the Democratic base. She drove to the nearest forest, released the Trumps into the woods, and washed her hands of it all.