We’ve all been there. One moment you’re sleeping soundly, and the next Chips Ahoy! are all that your brain can think of. You wake up in a cold sweat, knowing only that cookies, good as they are, won’t restore your energy the way some classic REM sleep will. It can be difficult for some people to cope with the stress of dreaming about delicious Chips Ahoy! cookies; know that if you’ve been dreaming, you aren’t alone. Join me as I list the worst Chips Ahoy! dreams you can ever endure.
1) The one where you rob a bank but the vault only has Chips Ahoy! Rainbow
If you’ve had this one, I truly feel for you. The heist is going well. Micky and Tommy took out the guards no problem, and Christina on the comms says that the coast is clear and nobody’s alerted the fuzz. You’re ready to go get that green. Of course, it’s no selfish act. Your dying wife needs the money for her surgery, and you don’t have health insurance because you’ve spent your whole life working as a janitor. Though it was honest work, there was one bill it couldn’t pay. So, you get to the vault. What the fuck do you see? No money, just some multicoloured cookies! You wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what it all means.
2) The one where you’re late for class and when you get there you forgot your pants and also everyone in class has Chunks Ahoy! cookies instead of ears
While not a common dream, it doesn’t make it any less strenuous to live through. It all felt so real, didn’t it? I like to remind myself I’m dreaming by reciting the ancient Sanskrit alphabet sideways. If I get past a few letters I know it’s probably all fake. But if you can’t do that, you’ll have to live through sixth grade all over again. God, what a nightmare.
3) The sex dream
It always starts the same way. You’re ordering a coffee from that place down the street. The steamy barista, William, gives you that sly look every time he catches you looking over. Spicy. Finally he comes over and says something really clever like “I think we should do the sex right now”, and before you know it you’re getting hot and heavy right there on the table. But when he takes off his pantaloons, all you see is a giant Chips Ahoy! Chewy cookie. You wake up screaming, wondering how you’ll ever look at William the same way again.
4) The nightmare we’re living in now
What’s real? How do we wake up? Why are Chips Ahoy! such a large part of my life? These are all common questions you’ll have to come to terms with on your own time. All we know for sure is that if you want to make it through this, you’re gonna need more Chips Ahoy! cookies to cope with the stress.