The Young Woolf Spitz


Queen’s has come under a fair bit of fire these past couple days. News agencies found a goldmine story just by glancing over their Facebook pages in the form of the irascible Prof. Torcolacci downright hilarious theories about the potency of vaccination. In case any anti-vaxxers out there are looking for validation in a university humour paper, GW would like to go on record to say, we think their link to autism that is so tenuous it barely even qualifies to make up a chain, much less a reason to reincarnate the measles. GW would also like to remind our readers that we’re not doctors, so our opinion (as in all matters of scientific principle) matters less than an online edition of a Journal article.

So when those news agencies really started digging through the files at the Principal’s house they found the biggest gold mine news story in entertainment history since TMZ discovered that Chris Brown had been making air quotes with his hands around “at chess and other board games” at press conferences after saying “Last night, I beat Rihanna”. This story was so monumental that the only thing that wouldn’t immediately pale in comparison would be an exclusive tell-all by the ghost of John Lennon about how Paul was really dead this whole time. This story was of course, Straight Outta Union, a mixtape recorded by our own Principal Woolf (or as he is known in underground rap circles “the Young Woolf”) and several key professors. Rumoured to contain songs such as “Bound I (feat. Doc Ableson)”, “Lose Yourself (in the Principal’s House)”, and “Stauffer State of Mind”, this record would have blown the lid off of the world. An initial listener described it “as hearing the New Testament rapped by God” before ascending into heaven to smoke a bowl with Christ. Other listeners apparently heard the opening track and were immediately honoured with a Doctorate from the Faculty of Music. This mixtape was rumoured to be simultaneously the reason the Underground stopped sucking out of nowhere, the cause of the 663 Fire, and Mohammad Ali’s preferred workout jamz.

But this mixtape was too big, a power play by the shadowy figures of the Rapluminati shut it down before the world could know. At the great unveiling, minutes before the world was set to learn the gospel of the Young Woolf, two men who onlookers said looked like famous rumoured-not-to-be-really-dead rappers Tupac and Biggie stood up and shouted in unison “We’ve been called to pop a cap in this shit/ you’re not ready to hear the Young Woolf spit/You fuckers don’t realize but no one can know/The world ain’t ready for The Young Woolf’s flow” and immediately started wildly poppin caps in bitches left, right and centre. Apparently the two relished in their apparent immortality by occasionally shooting directly at each other laughing. Then before the chaos calmed, the intrepid duo ran up to the podium, and the Tupac-like man took out a solid gold pistol engraved “I.N.R.I.” made the sign of the cross then almost ritualistically shot the mixtape to pieces. Then the Biggie-reminiscent man picked up a mic, almost melodically drawled “We out”, dropped it, and the pair immediately blasted through the roof with nothing but the power of their obscenely smooth rhymes.

At press time, concerning the debacle, the mild-mannered Principal Woolf tweeted that he thinks “the world should stick to classic rock 😉 thanks B&2P” but to this day denies all affiliation with any rap myths and maintains that the Young Woolf is a Game of Thrones character.