We’ve all seen it: this week the image of an overexposed picture of a dress provoked a curious mental trick which divided the population into two categories: those that see it as a plain white and gold dress or those who suffer from an advanced case of having their head up their own ass. It caused quite a stir across the globe, making international headlines and cluttering everyone’s facebook pages with impassioned arguments, unforgivably terrible jokes, and half-baked pseudoscience as people everywhere tried to explain what they were seeing.
However, just now, a new demographic has emerged to weigh in on the vital subject, as it was discovered that all eighteen thousand persons recently displaced from the region of Crimea controversially annexed by Russia last year universally describe the dress as white and gold. Meanwhile, the nearly fifteen thousand people currently infected with the deadly Ebola virus have unanimously agreed that the dress is blue and black. Golden Words spoke to Sierra Leone President Ernest Bai Koroma and Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko: their first media appearances in North American Facebook news feeds since their respective crises faded off of the 24 hour news cycle.
President Koroma said that he was shocked there was any debate on the matter, saying while he thought the dress appeared white and gold, the nurses and doctors who worked with patients had polled the infected and agreed that they thought it was blue and black. “I’m excited that the world has decided to again turn their eyes to the people within my country,” the president began to say, “While, of course, I think we all would prefer it if people cared about our sick and dying for even just a week after the initial international panic attack fades, but those deathly ill with a potentially lethal illness that currently has no vaccine are also happy to know the world will turn its rabidly hyperactive eye to hear us weigh in on the colour of a dress. Even if only for a second between Youtube videos” The president then flashed the peace sign for the camera and explained, “Hopefully I’ll get turned into a meme, I’ve heard that’s the only way to get rich people’s attention long enough for someone to do a Kickstarter.”
Meanwhile Ukranian President Petro Poroshenko had the interview conducted directly in a refugee camp just outside the illegally annexed region of Crimea. Amongst the thousands forced out of their homes and lives by Russia’s political maneuvers, it was rumoured that not a single one of them could see the black and blue. He walked with us around the camp, interrupting a refugee girl on her way to walk out to get fresh water for the squalid tent that her family now calls home, and showed her a picture of the dress. After a brief exchange in russian, the little girl turned to us and said in broken english “white and gold” and then continued on her way. President Poroshenko explained she needed to get home to bring water for the twenty one people currently sharing one 10 by 10 foot tent. “Did you get a picture of her? That’s a goldmine shot for international relief. Little refugee girls are our only source of international interest since that plane crash, and with key opposition Russian politicians being literally gunned down on the streets, the situation is pretty dire around here. We figure we ought to stir up some concern in the UN with a viral picture of a young boy hit by shrapnel or something. That might net us a few troops on the ground or even a minor economic sanction and delay the inevitable. But for now we’re just happy to be a minor point in the most popular story on Buzzfeed since the Oscars.” By this point however, we were already bored and were looking at pictures of cats on the internet so we missed the rest of the interview.
At press time, several First Nations reserves were heard uniformly proclaiming the dress to be green and cyan, allegedly while coughing about the RCMP’s unresolved 1,181 cases of missing and murdered aboriginal women.