Thesis Topic: A Critical Review Of Every Place On Campus That You Can Get Drunk At


I enjoy going to class and doing assignments just as much as the next guy, so not at all. Fortunately, the university experience offers more than four years of caffeine fuelled lab write-ups and assigned readings (if you’re reading this, you’ve probably never done any assigned reading). It’s our job to gain as much experience as we can while we’re here and to assist in our extracurricular learning, the beautiful Queen’s University has opened bars literally everywhere. It is on that note that I present to you: A critical review of the asexual mating habits of the North Australian Crested Water Gecko.
The Underground
The Underground is an elegant expression of the unity between Queen’s history and spirit. This majestic nightclub was originally called the Underground but was renamed Alfie’s in 1979 to honour beloved Queen’s cheerleader and renowned critic of shitty wines: Alfie Pierce. Unfortunately, the club felt dated and decided to undergo massive renovations which included changing the name back to The Underground, and letting Ms. Fielding’s grade 1 class come in to finger paint the walls. This establishment also boasts an impressive security system that involves StuCons scanning your ID to prove it’s real despite the fact that you have 6 pieces of ID and are clearly already drunk anyway. They offer $13 bottles of wine which is very cheap. So cheap in fact, that you will undoubtedly buy at least two bottles. Two bottles which you will drink while you contemplate the sad metaphor of literally being at the lowest point on campus. When you finally finish, you may find your way to the dance floor, but you’ll more likely end up falling asleep against a wall before being politely removed from the premises.
Clark Hall Pub
CHP is known as the center of the universe for a reason. It is standalone the best bar atmosphere in all of Kingston. The only downside is that Clark is exclusive; you must wait at least an hour to get in. As the cold groans of winter begin to descend upon campus, it is not uncommon for a few of the weaker, less party ready patrons to collapse from hypothermia and exhaustion. Fortunately, there are plenty of nurses to take care of you and there’s always an opportunity to see the fabled suit-guy, Bradley Dobson, enjoying his signature martini. As a side note, could you imagine if they served Tea Room Chicken Pestos at Ritual? Holy Shit, that’s a great idea… Somebody get me Cole and Margaret on a conference call right now!
Queen’s Pub
All non-engineering faculties felt that they too deserved a pub. So, the wisest and “best looking in a black polo” students banded together to develop their concept. They flourished, relying on their amazing sangria and the promise of nachos that you have to wait forever to get because you always get to QP way before 8pm.  Fortunately, your server is clearly too busy to notice you, so waiting for those delicious nachos isn’t so bad. You’re gonna want to order a few pitchers and you should probably bring your laptop and a couple of movies loaded up on a hard drive because you’re going to be here for the next couple of hours. It’ll be easy to get frustrated but keep your cool! Otherwise you’ll sound like this guy: “What do you mean I can’t get nachos at 2pm on a Tuesday? I don’t care that you only have one microwave, I’m literally the only person here right now! Just make me some fucking nachos! And what’s this shit about not being allowed to give me multiple pitchers when I’m the only person here? You guys just love to deny me don’t you! I didn’t even really want to go out with you anyway! Just bring me an order of breadsticks and a glass of whiskey. *sniffle*
The Grad Club
Where the fuck am I right now? Is this a bar or somebody’s house? The Grad Club is the most ambiguous bar on all of campus. It’s also possibly the best bar in all of Kingston. We’re talking food, live music, even trivia. It’s like having Gordon Ramsay, the Arkells, and you as contestants on Jeopardy! Get me another glass of whiskey and let’s get this party started. Hey guys, here’s a trivia question: How much have I had to drink? *face-plants into table* *promptly gets thrown out*
Victoria Hall
Wooo this is where the party’s at! Lazy has all the drunk food one could ever need and there’s a ping (beer) pong table! You can pretty much find alcohol anywhere in Vic: mainly in the frosh’s rooms and in the food service staffs flasks. The best part is, when you can’t stand anymore, the COR will keep you comfy throughout the night! Somebody get me another glass of whiskey! Dayyum that shit is hot! My insides are on fire! Better pull this fire alarm! Oh Fuck.