Things for $2.00 Worth LESS THAN the Golden Words Fee


Hey Guys! Issue 16. WOW. I honestly thought we’d have burned to the ground by now. In any case, we are currently pretty close. If you’ve followed us, we have a referendum on January 30th and 31st. We need everyone to vote yes for Golden Words so that we can continue to function. That’s right. So call up your friends and family and make it happen. But only if they go to Queen’s because otherwise they can’t vote so fuck ‘em. In any case, we’re not looking for any extra money. We’re not gonna ask for like $7.00 out of nowhere for a BS resume-padding club. We’ve had $2.00 for years, and we don’t intend to try and increase it. We learned that the hard way last year.

For you math nerds, you get 25 issues for $2.00. That’s 8 cents an issue! That’s such a tiny amount! And if you really like Golden Words and would like to use it as wallpaper, we print 4000 copies a week! Even more math! Too bad I stopped taking math before calculus.

In any case, you may be thinking: two dollars? That’s money I could use for all sorts of different things! Well lemme tell ya kid, you can take that polar bear engraved toonie of yours and read this right here. Here are some things that aren’t as worth it as saying yes to the Golden Words fee.

1) Having your penis stapled to a wall
Speaking from personal experience this isn’t fun. I know it’s pretty cheap relative to the other things you can find on Craigslist but trust me on this. Sean doesn’t have great aim and the staples are rife with tetanus. There’s plenty of things that you can use to pin your junk to the lovely wood panelling you’ve installed recently. Perhaps an issue of Golden Words even? Hmmmmmmm???

2) The miracle of childbirth
Don’t worry ladies I’m not leaving you out! Luckily since we live in Canada there aren’t any medical fees for giving birth, but parking in downtown Toronto is a bitch and you’re lucky to get parking on Armoury Street. The $2.00 parking is as good as it’s gonna get but is still nothing compared to a good and proper laugh. I mean Armoury is still pretty far from the hospital after all.

3) 8 25 cent gumballs
They lose flavour so fast and the sorbitol is kinda bad for your digestive system.

4) One sheet of colour paper from P&CC

5) Me selling a dollar for two dollars
This certainly isn’t worth it from a financial perspective.

6) A firm handshake

7) One and a half iTunes songs
Did your father ask you to put “iTunes on his iPhone” when in actuality it’s a shuffle and it’s the eighth time he’s refused to learn how? Well guess one – toss Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen on there and then maybe half of The Gambler by Kenny Rogers if you can. Still though, why do that when you can show him some Golden Words. “You’re allowed to say fuck in this thing??? I hope future employers don’t read it son.”

The list goes on! Very little is worth more than a hearty laugh and memories. Remember to vote for Golden Words on January 30th and 31st so that we don’t cease to exist! And please read some of the articles inside of here so you know why.