Things I Have Opinions About That You Better Agree With


Hey nerds – think you have a valid opinion? Think again! That’s right, everything you’ve ever believed in is a lie. Your friends, your talents, hell, even your own existence should be under question! However, since I have words on a page I am important/a corporate EngSoc puppet and therefore have REAL opinions. Here they are. If you disagree then FUCK YOU.

1) It’s totally okay to fart at the urinal.
OK where else is anyone supposed to fart? I know that society has socialized you to never fart, but playing the bum trumpet is one of our God-given rights. Let’s be honest boys (and a select group of girls), have you ever been at the urinal when some dude blows his shofar like it’s Rosh Hashanah? Fun fact: It is Rosh Hashanah at the date of writing this. Anyway, he starts an earthquake that registers on the Richter Scale and this Douche McGooch giggles like a Japanese schoolgirl in those online videos I watch. WTF dude? Do you not fart? The bathroom should be a safe space for farters everywhere.

2) Make up your mind about how many stairs you want to walk up at a time.
You know those people that leap like three steps at a time going up stairs – bounding and leaping as if they are graceful gazelles burdened by the odd backpack or satchel. These are people of conviction! I respect their willingness to look pretty goofy on the way up to CoGro. Who knows? They might really need that top secret bagel. You know what isn’t a top secret though? Those ASSHOLES who thinks it’s okay to leap up four steps at a time, then switch to a crawl of one step at a time and then hit a stride of two steps at a time. Dude, I have enough trouble keeping myself on two feet and now I’m expected to deal with people who don’t have enough mental fortitude to walk in one way.

3) Peach at a character cannot compete in the Super Smash Bros. Melee metagame
I’m sorry Peach mains; she just cannot keep in the every increasing pace of the Melee metagame. She loses the Fox McCloud matchup extremely badly, especially when they emphasize short hop double lasers and use of platforms in key stages. Marth is a brutal matchup when they don’t allow Peach to pull turnips, and Sheiks are just learning how to utilize stage positioning better. Falco will always be a slight winner due to his projectile game and Peach just can’t do it in the neutral game. What’s that you say? She beats the Ice Climbers 70:30? I don’t care lol

4) Eggs should be freed from their incarceration as solely a breakfast and brunch food.
“9am: Eggs. 10am: Eggs! 11am: EGGS!! 12pm: Maybe eggs? 1pm: Get your fucking eggs out of here Alex. Also I’m breaking up with you since you disgust be so much. Your twin brother would never suggest something so gross so I’m gonna date him now.”
Does this sound familiar? Well the fact of the matter is no one is really all that cool with eating eggs after breakfast and brunch. I don’t get it! Eggs are such a versatile food. You can scramble them, try to make an omelette and end up scrambling them, and do many other things. That being said, only the hard boiled egg has ever left the location that eggs have been resigned to since modernity. I say this is bu
N.B.: Boiled eggs don’t count you sick fuck.