Things Queen’s Could Do With $135,711.68 (Melody Torcolacci’s Salary)


Due to the recent controversy about Melody Torcolacci’s anti-vaccination lectures, Queen’s is deciding what they are going to do with her salary once they nix her. $135,711.68 is a lot of money to play around with, so I have compiled a short list of things that the University can do with $135,711.68.


1. Pay off news sources to not publish defaming articles about Queen’s professors


Okay, let’s face it, Torcolacci isn’t the only professor that is grossly incompetent at this school. Shit man, I’ve had classes taught by professors who were on a work release from the Kingston Pen. We gotta keep these horrible profs under wrap, and that costs money. Sure this isn’t the most ‘fun’ way to spend the money, but it’s an insurance policy to protect us against the inevitable loss in donation funds to the university.


2. Give every student $6.78


It may not be a lot of money, but it’ll buy you a pint of beer at Brooklyn, and that’s pretty neat. Getting a free beer is a lot better than being associated with a university that employs a prof that perpetuates pseudoscience in my opinion.


3. Gold plate the JDUC


The JDUC looks like shit, we all know this. But imagine waiting in line for the Underground with GOLD PLATED HANDRAILS. That would be awesome. Alternatively we could gold plate the new incoming AMS executive team, CBW.


4. 4,241 bottles of Jack Daniels whisky


Homecoming was fun this year, but imagine next year having 4,241 bottles for students and alumni alike! There’s about 18 shots per bottle of JD, so that’s 73,510 shots total. That can get at least a few people shitfaced.


5. Bridge between JDUC and the ARC


For TOO LONG there has not been a bridge between the ARC and JDUC. Those 5 seconds I need to spend outside walking from the JDUC and the ARC are cold as fuck, especially in winter. When I’m at Cogro, the only thing on my mind is getting to the other Cogro in the JDUC. But there’s no way to get there without walking down the stairs, then to the outside. That’s BULLSHIT.


6. Pay for 20 ArtSci tuitions


This is a noble feat, because it’s hard to pay off your student debts when you don’t have a job…


7. Vaccinate 590,000 children in Africa


According to Bill Gates, it costs about 23 cents to vaccinate an African child for polio. For the small cost of firing one university professor, we can make sure 590,000 children in Africa don’t have to live with polio.