Welcome back to Queens! The excitement is palpable for both returning students and frosh. For many of you, this week represents the first time you’ve stayed in a room other than the one in your parents house. For many more of you, this is your first time seeing the house in which you will do way more fucked up shit than you ever thought possible in res. You will undoubtedly have many new and exciting experiences but it is important to remember, you’re not the first. With the exception of the lucky bastards in Brant Hall and Smith Hall who will get to destroy the sweet, sweet innocence of their room, most of you are living in what is essentially a drug den mixed with a brothel. Here are just a few things that have definitely occurred in your rooms:
Partying – Let’s get the most obvious one out of the way. Your room has been partied in. Hard. Look in your ceiling, in your closet, underneath your floorboards. You’re room is undoubtedly harboring a flurry of liquor bottles, drug paraphernalia, and other remnants of the times people got severely fucked up. No matter how many kegs you squish into that tiny 8×6 cell, you will never out do your ancestors before you.
Bad Mornings – A perfect contrast to all the partying that has happened in you room, is all the vomitting. Statistically, your room is 70% coated in vomit. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though. When you inevitably get sick and puke all over your floor, you can excuse yourself from cleaning it for a few hours, after all, it’s already dirty as fuck.
Crying/Eating ice cream – As morbid as this may sound, your room has seen some great sadness. The time Jessie (your room 2014) watched the notebook. The time Steve (your room 2011) got broken up with by his one true love. The time Ebenezer (your room 1941) lost his pappy to the war. Just remember that anything sad that happens to you has already happened in your room, so get over it quickly, for the good of your room’s mental health.
Sex/Masturbation – There’s a reason this one is last. Statistically, 106% of your room is coated in bodily fluids not related to vomit. That’s a lot. If you were given a dollar for every time someone has masturbated in your room, you would be a billionaire. But unlike all of your predecessors, this one is where you can really make your mark. Be creative, host a tantric orgy. Most likely you can accomplish something in this category that has never been seen before.