Things To Put In Your Gym Bag When You’re Not At The Gym


Face it, you are a gym rat. You can bench four small children, curl a bowling ball with just your pinky finger and are so huge you can’t fit through most doorways walking forwards or wipe your ass. (You’re so intimidating you get pure Mathematics students to do that for you.) You consume more pre-workout than an townie consumes crystal meth. You own at least 2 pairs of Oakley’s: one of which is a full wrap-around and the other has polarized and reflective reddish lenses. You’ve surgically hollowed out part of your leg because ef leg day, and now you can store your tumbler with you all the time for gains on-the-go. Your muscles have the definition and hardness of a diamond anvil press. Your gym bag is your bible and your gains are your prayers. But in those rare hours you aren’t sweating on every machine in the gym you need to put something in your gym bag because that thing does not leave your side. Here are some of the best uses of a gym bag outside of holding your obviously Nike workout merch.

– Successive smaller gym bags (russian nesting doll style)
– Tampons
– Useful because menstrual cycles sync up and you can help out a lot women
– $5,000,000 or 5 textbooks (they’re worth about the same amount)
– 47 Skittles AT MOST (no more like the bag could legit burst at any time.)
– A really really small car
– The despair you feel everyday when you wake up and that doesn’t go away until you fall into a tearful slumber at the end of the day.
– The collective brain cells of every Trump supporter.
– All of Jay-Z’s 99 problems
– Only the respite of sleep can save you from the dark despair of existence
– A pair of flowery dad shorts (science actually dictates if you add a flowery dad shirt of matching pattern it won’t actually take up more space – it’s a physics phenomenon that many physics and professors are looking at.)
– 18 jars of worth of salsa. (Approximately 12775.77 mL)
– The entire bee movie script written in cuneiform on stone tablets.
– And a partridge in a pear tree.

As you can see there are a multitude of things to store in a gym bag when you aren’t pounding the weights, pounding back protein powder, or pounding your significant other. (Not in an abusive way, that’s messed up.) This is one of the reasons the gym bag is such a useful and versatile tool to have with you. So if you are a gym rat and don’t currently own one of these snap out of your creatine high and get your ass down to Popeye’s and get yourself a bag awesome enough to put the head of your crazy ex who started doing cross-fit.

(Written by a tall lanky guy that hasn’t been to the gym once but went to a douchey high-school.)