Things to Send Your Crush That Say “I’m Always Watching You”


We live in exciting times. What makes the times we live in exciting is that you no longer need expertise or experience in order to provide an opinion or advice on something. For some people that something is religion, for an annoyingly large fucking number of people (certain heads of state included) that something is politics, and for me that something is romance. Now since this is only a widely distributed newspaper available publicly to anyone with the misfortune to pick it up I feel like I can be honest with you, our cherished readers. I have no idea how to romance. I don’t know where one would buy flowers, I can’t write love letters because I’m functionally illiterate (this is being dictated), and chocolates always end up melting because my hands are too warm. However, in keeping with the spirit of our new and exciting times, I would like you to ignore the fact that I am unqualified to lecture you on how to romance that special someone and instead be drawn in by my mediocre prose and slightly less mediocre jokes. I would like to make it clear beforehand that by following this guide you will not only have my respect, you will also have a hole in your life where your lover used to be, because this guide will be terrible, and any person that you try to use it on will dump you faster than you can say loneliness. So, without further ado, let me take you on journey of what I think a romantic time might be.

Ok, first thing’s first, you need a special someone to share this magical journey with. Now, if you have a significant other this step is easy and you’ve already completed it, but given the fact that you sunk to reading Golden Words™ for romantic advice from a self proclaimed romantically and actual illiterate person, I’m going to venture to guess that you’re about as alone as Tom Hanks was for the majority of Cast Away. But do not despair my friend, for the times we live in are new and exciting and Tinder exists. Download Tinder, get right swiping, and find yourself a lover. Now if you’re female you should download the app, swipe right on a bunch of guys, and go on a date with the first one who doesn’t say something disgusting when he messages you. If you’re a male you should download the app, get right swiping, and start messaging. If you find messaging hard you can read a Golden Words™ guide on how to Tinder effectively at It should be about as effective as this one.

So you’ve met a nice hottie and you’re ready to set up a date. Here are some good ideas.

Now you’re probably thinking “Wait! All of those ideas are terribly shit”, well that’s where you’re wrong. These ideas are genius, these ideas are lightning in a fucking bottle. They are all either very personal or something that that is unique and memorable, and people love that shit…I think.

Now you’ve set up the date and you have to get ready. You’ve got to be dressed to impress because you don’t want to show up and look like a chump and have your date think that you’re even more pathetic than you actually are. Some basic tips: shower, brush your teeth, style your hair, cut your nail. Some less basic tips. Number one, absolutely lather yourself in cologne/perfume. You want to smell good don’t you? Your date should ideally be able to smell this from up to 100 feet away and be able to locate you in a crowd by smell. Number two, when you dress to impress really dress to impress. Get dressed to the nines. Guys I’m taking minimum business suit, ideally tuxedo, possibly white tie of you’re feeling particularly fancy. Ladies you’re wearing ball gowns, maybe a wedding dress, you should look like you’re about to accept an Oscar.

On the date you want to keep the conversation. Do this by constantly talking about yourself. Never shut up about yourself. Sure your date won’t be able to get a word in edgewise but at least there won’t be any awkward silences throughout the date, only one long awkward period of them sitting through your constant jabbering. Do this until they’ve finally had enough of your bullshit and suggest that you guys leave.

Now that you’ve left all you need to do is try and take them home to get lucky. This is either a first date or the final date in an already existing relationship, but neither of those things mean that you can get some action. Be honest with your date, people like honesty. Ask them straight up “Would you like to come back to my house to have sex?”. I guarantee that they will be turned on by your forthrightness and honesty, and they will enthusiastically return with you to your house. Before the date you should have covered your bed with rose petals, I should have mentioned that. Bring them back to your rose petal covered bed and turn on the Golden Words™ playlist “Top Five Weird Al Songs to Have Sex to” (see issue 15 for song list). This will guarantee that you will let down this person one final time before they delete you on facebook and never make eye contact with you in public ever again.

There you go. If this doesn’t find you true love you are in the majority of people as this guide is complete shit composed by a writer with romantic skills equal only to his writing skills. That is to say none.