Things you must do before you graduate

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This article is dedicated to my friends, my peers, and a bunch of other people I don’t give a shit about  who are graduating this year.

We’ve come a long way. It’s been at least four years, and if you are like me, you’re already sick of this place on so many levels. Like the house that you live in that reminds me of the time your girlfriend dumped you at your birthday party by hooking up with your two housemates at once. Like that lecture hall that reminds you of the time you were asked to leave your midterm because you were caught cheating. Like the hub that reminds you of the hub. Too much shit went down in this shithole. You’re ready to leave.

I suggest, however, that you take advantage of the last few months weeks you have at Queen’s to your full potential. There are many things that only a university could offer, and there are many things that are only acceptable to do when you are young, so don’t miss out.

  1. Eat caf food. A lot of caf food. The freshmen-15 that you built up with the cheesy greasy caf food back in first year must have been replaced by Pizza Pizza-45 by now. That’s not good. If you want your youthful sex-appeal back, you must regain that 15 pounds of caf food goodness. Especially if you’re a gluten free vegan; you don’t get personally catered to at any other all-you-can-eat establishment, so eat to your heart’s content here.
  2. Eat pizza. If you haven’t ordered pizza from every pizza joint that offers student discounts for your first order yet, well, you should order from each at least once. Get your fucking student discount! You won’t have that opportunity ever again!
  3. Ask out those fifteen people-you’ve-had-a-crush-on-in-the-past-four-years-but-didn’t-ask-out. You might never see them again once you leave. Which is great if you just want to have sex with them without any responsibilities.
  4. Get free STI testing. Okay this one you can do anywhere that have some sort of public health program. But you probably have more need for it while you’re in university and see literally thousands of people your age who fit your sexual orientation every day.
  5. Get stocked up on sex toys and condoms at the SHRC. You are likely to never find a sex shop that sells things at cost ever again, so it’s probably worth that $25 on a pack of 144 condoms before you fly to Alberta and move in with your boyfriend.
  6. Have an all-nighter party in your campus building of choice. My choice is Stirling Hall, which has nice cozy couches if you want a snooze, and four lecture halls with newly coloured walls for you to choose from if you want to put on a movie. You will never get the chance to host a movie party or sleepover for free and with free janitors ever again, so do it while you can, and while you still have friends.
  7. Sit in a class you’re not in. This is how you take control of your education, instead of the university taking control of your wallet. You must ask the prof numerous questions so you would fit in to the class. I highly suggest you choose an interesting course, like a philosophy seminar or film screening. Bonus points if you answer the philosophy prof’s questions with quantum mechanics.
  8. Fail a class. That way you get to stay for longer! Yay!
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