Thousands Unenroll as Queen’s Campus Bans Smoking, JUULs


After  banning smoking and vaping on all campus grounds, Queen’s University administrators awoke to find the university a total ghost town. Thousands of students left the previous night, unable to tolerate the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. Reporters that followed the exodus of students said they have situated in a camp outside of the downtown transfer point, bumming smokes from locals.

The new Queen’s administration is shocked at the fallout, needless to say. Kathy Gilgorm, Director of Air, reached out for a comment. “We had no idea students would react so terribly to this new rule,” Kathy stated. “The administration is genuinely surprised [the students] did not simply give up their addiction overnight. But like really, who could have predicted that?”

Other universities have been quick to take advantage of the situation. Western University released a statement welcoming all smokers to their campus, stating that their students are all free to de-stress in the smoking sections of their library. Western said it was more than willing to help out so many facing this crisis. “If we can make even one student look a bit more cool, then it has all been worth it.”

At press-time, many of the students returned to Queen’s, trading in their JUUL pods for cans of dip.