Three Things You Probably Shouldn’t Do in a Job Interview

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1) Express Your Views on Abortion Without Being Prompted
Things start off great: you’re giving detailed, well thought out responses that they’re clearly receptive to. BUT you briefly mention that the supreme court’s decision on Roe v. Wade made the United States a much better country to be a woman in, and all of the sudden the interviewer becomes much more stiff for the rest of the interview. Where did things go wrong?
This is a classic mistake. The problem was that you gave your unsolicited opinion on reproductive rights. To many this may seem like a completely admissible thing to do in an interview, but psychologists have actually found that this can make interviewers uncomfortable and less trustful of you, regardless of the position you take on the subject. In fact, they estimate that people who bring up the subject of abortion in an interview without being encouraged first are at least 25% less likely to be hired than people who do not. So next time you’re being considered for your dream job, try to avoid delving into one of the most divisive subjects in the country unless you absolutely have to. No matter how certain you are that life begins after the moment of conception.\

2) Frequently Mention People’s Ethnicities or Nationalities When It Isn’t Relevant
You’re confident, you’re smooth, and you know you’re way more qualified than everyone else interested in the position. You’re sitting before the panel of interviewers, and you own the fucking room. You’ve got them in the palm of your hand. You go through every reason you’ll do a great job, and you can see in their eyes that they believe you. You explain that you’ll be dedicated to providing incredible service to all of their white customers, and instantly the energy is sucked out of the room. They don’t ask any more questions, and the interview seems surprisingly short. You’re polite as you say your goodbyes, making kind gestures like complimenting one of them on their firm Korean handshake, but for some reason that only makes things worse. You walk out of the room dejected and confused.
Who has this not happened to? It’s a tough situation, but believe it or not, it’s completely avoidable! The outcome of that interview could have been completely different if you did one simple thing differently: not mention people’s race or nation of origin unless you were certain it was relevant. This may seem strange to you – after all, you’re not associating anything negative to the people in question, you just have an insatiable desire to mention somebody’s nationality or ethnicity at every possible moment. Unfortunately, you’ll just have to power through that, as researchers have found that a whopping 90% of employers describe this compulsion as “pretty fucking weird.”

3) Verbally Acknowledge Your Throbbing Erection
You were nervous at first, but the interview was actually going pretty well. You surprised yourself with how well you expressed yourself, avoiding traditional answers and displaying an understanding of what the job required. But halfway through a question, you felt your pants gradually becoming tighter. You looked down, and you came to the realization that you had an erection. You realized that the brief moment of silence had not gone unnoticed by the interviewer, and you quickly explained to her that you simply noticed your penis was hard, and continued with your answer. However, she seemed less impressed with you for the rest of the interview, and you didn’t get the position.
Your mistake was telling her that your penis was erect. That may seem odd, as you were simply providing a truthful explanation for why you were briefly distracted, but as it turns out boner-talk is job repellant! When asked whether the mentioning of one’s erection would make a prospective employee seem more appealing, less appealing, or equally appealing than they did before, an overwhelming 95% of employers answered “less appealing.” So unless you’re betting on getting a job with the 3% that answered “equally appealing” or the 2% that answered “more appealing,” try to avoid the subject entirely.

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