Time to wet my whistle

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Ooo-eee, it’s colder than the Devil’s nutsack out there! Well well, what do we have here? This is just the pertiest lil waterin hole this side of the Mason-Dixon. I ‘member my daddy takin me to a place just like this back when I was only ‘bout yay-high. Yessir, that’s where I had my first taste of nature’s finest vine: Wild Turkey Bourbon.

 

My my, aren’t you a fine lil lady? Let me just saddle on up here…there we go. Whew, this stool is mighty tall. My old Civil War wound’s acting up again. Now, let’s see ya fix me a nice cool glass of Texas Tea. You don’t know what that is? Why, you certainly are strange breed up here in these northern parts. It’s a whiskey-rum mix on the rocks with just a daaash of tobasca sauce. And you pour it in one of those big ol’ picked egg jars you got down the end of the bar. You don’t got no pickled egg jars?! Well ain’t that a fine how do ya do! Figures: walk into a bar called ‘Brooklyn’ and I end up in a fairy bar with a bunch of pansy-ass hipsters who never even tasted a pickled egg!

 

I’m sorry, I lost my temper there a wee bit. Now why don’t you just fix me a double scotch and water, Señorita? Oh, don’t be like that…ok darlin’ what’s the name your daddy gave ya? Courtney? Well dang-nabbit that’s the most exotic name I ever did hear! Erryone back in my neck of the woods only name their daughters Anna or Sally.

 

Thank you kindly, ma’am. How much does that set me back? Five dollars and fifty goddamn cents for this fine beverage? Whew, you’re gonna run me dryer than Barbara Bush’s cooter with them kind of prices!

 

So, you in school, sweetheart? Queen’s, eh? Sounds like a pansy school, no offense. Are you in nursing or secretary school? Engineering! My, what has the world come to when a pretty little lady such as yourself has to drive a train. Fuckin’ commies. I’m sorry, I tend to cuss a bit when I drink.

Whoa there buddy, can you excuse yourself please? I’m trying to have conversation with this young lady over here…Is that so? You’re her ‘boyfriend’, eh?…Well, my fine friend you better be ready to fight for your woman’s heart in a good old fashioned Texas Fistfight.

 

BAM! Yee-haw! You weren’t expecting a gun, were ya, little man? Now, Señorita Courtney, would you oblige me in this next dance. Oh don’t be like that, sweetheart…ain’t y’all never seen a man shot in cold blood on a Tuesday night before? Well shoot, I guess it seems I’m unwelcome in these parts. Now y’all take care and take a tip from me and get yourself some pickled eggs. Then I think this bar has got a real future.

 

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