Tom Mulcair “Psyched” to Be Understudy for Old Fat Luke Skywalker


After Star Wars Episode VII redefined the concept of money, major concerns arose from Disney Pictures about the state of Mark Hamill’s health. Close friends and family say the concern stems from “Mark having the approximate physique of a man in a motorized wheelchair confined to a McDonalds from before Super Size Me.” This obesimergency prompted Lucasfilms to promptly hold open casting sessions for an understudy as a backup for the actor’s part in the subsequent films scheduled for 2018 and 2019. 
The script also had to be tweaked to explain the actors’ physique. Leaks of the script show snippets of dialogue explaining how the character had gone into hiding on the planet Pud Gee letting himself be known to locals as Old Tubby Luke, demonstrating the same confusion about the intention of adopting a fake identity as his old master Obi “kinda sounds like Old Ben” Wan Kenobi. “Y’know as we were filming Awakens I couldn’t help but think that Luke Skywalker didn’t exactly look like he’d been living as a hermit to escape his enemies.” explained director J.J. Abrams, “Our Luke looked more like he spent his time eating George Lucas.” John Williams was asked to incorporate into his visionary score “a lurching,  comical trombone” as a theme for Luke. 
When word of this casting call, NDP leader Tom Mulcair saw the opportunity of a lifetime. Reportedly “literally jumping up and down with excitement” the middle aged politician immediately packed up his strident political career and marched down Parliament Hill and boarded a direct flight to the casting agency in Los Angeles. When he got there the greying 61 year old man beat down thirty bouncers “with a wooden broom handle whilst making light saber sound effects” according to onlookers and knocked down the door to the agency. After the audition was over, Mulcair was given the part. The casting director, Jeremy “Jer” Jarbinks, swears the politician used the Force on him. “He just barged in and said “You will give me the part of Luke” and I couldn’t help but respond with “You just got the part of Luke.” Then I shook his hand and on the way out he patted his belly and insisted he only be referred to as “Old Fat Skywalker” “
Hamill, when informed of his decision, said he was excited to be backed up by the former Opposition Leader,  said he was “kind of thrown off, because Tom keeps trying to furtively Force Choke me between takes. And maybe my brain playing tricks on me, but my collar does get uncomfortably tight when he does it.”
At press time, the NDP was in total disarray, after being sent a confusing goodbye memo from Mr. Mulcair telling them to “Trust their feelings” in his absence.