Top 10 anticipated Deaths of 2015

  1. Queen Elizabeth II – She has to die sometime, guys. Statistically, she has a better chance of dying in 2015 than 2014, so let’s hope for the best.
  2. Tupac Shakur- Though he’s been taking a Beatle-esque break from performing since 1996, he has still been releasing music. However, it seems like the East Coast – West Coast feud might finally come to a head and claim the beloved rap star in the process.
  3. Derrick Dodgeson – Beloved EngSoc president from 4 years ago, it seems that with Sci 15s leaving campus, they will finally stop fucking talking about him and trying to put his name in this goddamn newspaper. Therefore, as of graduation in June, he will cease to exist as far as Golden Words is concerned. Thank God.
  4. Carly Rae Jepson – Just as the general public has finally forgotten about her, the attention-whore will throw herself back into the public eye, via death. Good riddance.
  5. Vladimir Putin – Shhh! Don’t tell him this, but I’ve had a little ‘surprise’ arranged for sometime in April.
  6. This Mac Book Pro – The fucking piece of garbage is expected to spit out its final 1s and 0s sometime right before I need to hand a paper in. Fuck you Apple and your ever-decreasing technology lifespans!
  7. Boo Hoo – In a brief but crucial moment of forgetfulness, will be tragically run over by the football team charging onto the field during 2015’s homecoming game.
  8. Cuba Gooding Jr. – Save for an extremely small appearance in Selma I have not seen any of his movies since 2002’s Snow Dogs, which was not that great. So I couldn’t give a good goddamn whether this man lives or dies this year.
  9. Elon Musk – Will be killed trying to drive his nuclear-fueled Tesla to Mars.
  10. Newsprint as a medium – Online or bust, bitches!