MEN! (yikes, I already suggest backing away from this article you guys…) WHO NEEDS THEM! Well statistically about 90% of women do, so in lieu of putting yourself out there and becoming beautifully vulnerable with another human being just trying to make sense of this crazy, crazy world, you could just date your iPhone. Chances are that if you attend the oh-so prestigious institution known as Queen’s University (Only University™) you already own an iPhone. So here’s a quick, very legitimate list of reasons why you should integrate your technological life and your love life, hopefully resulting in robotic singularity babies of the future.
1) It likes all of your friends. Anytime you launch your Facebook or Twitter (with grossly underperforming followers might I add) your iPhone has your back, with that sweet autocorrect or enough Emojis to satisfy any weirdly expressed sexual innuendos.
2) It listens to you (men amirite?). Call your mom! Call your dad! Call your boyf- iPhone and express how much you value its ability to function as a receptacle for your inane chatter.
3) Doesn’t mind asking for directions (men amirite?). With a noice and handy app called Google Maps, you’ll never be left stranded and honestly Amy when you tell me to meet you at 489 Bagot, I KNOW you’re lying because that address doesn’t even exist. So are you gonna tell me where Queen’s Conference on the Lonely and Loving It is meeting this week or not?
4) It’s upgradeable every year so no real fear of commitment. Gone are the days of being paranoid of being left for something better, because power is now is the hands of the one who posses a grand of fuck you cash.
5) It’s the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing you see at night. When are you ever not aware of where your phone is? Either it’s in your hands or in your back pocket. Your PDA is worse than my happily married parents of 23 years! Get a room you two!
6) You hope it electrocutes you so you can feel something, anything. It’s only week 2, oh God… I think this is a cry for help?
7) Siri exists if you ever feel like moving along the sexual spectrum. #nonbinarysexualites2k15
8) It’s the ultimate status symbol. An iPhone is a marker of both hot moms who take too many pictures and faux hipster assholes who will try to convince you that There Will Be Blood is the best PTA film. But realistically what other option do you have? Android? Sure if you like getting carpal tunnel from constantly jerking yourself off in misplaced congratulations. Fuck you and your plebeian Android scum.
9) It can die. How much closer to the real deal can you get? Eventually all your relationships will be time-stamped by the great neutralizer, DEATH. Or you know like going to Stauff without your charger.
10) It vibrates.