Top 5 Conspiracy Theories You Should Believe in

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Hey. If you’re like me you’re one step ahead of those damn spying robots (disguised as your family members and friends) and keeping a low profile as much as possible. The less the man knows, the better off you’ll be. Reading this article on paper is your first step… (untraceable and easily to conceal). Also you are reading the only printed, established, and reputable NEWSPAPER on campus that only prints 100% facts, unlike those schmucks at The Journal. Anyways grab your tinfoil hat and be prepared for you mind to be blown with my top 5 conspiracy theories you need to start believing in. #StayWoke

1. Sleep

When you think about it, it’s actually so fucking weird that we need to rest for a recommended 8 hours a day. Most people sleep at night, and what increases at night? Crime! (Its statistically true) Facts don’t lie, and these colours don’t run; so there’s definitely something going on there. What is the government hiding from us? Are they pissing in our beer? (spoiler alert; they are) Are they secretly releasing thousands of tiny black helicopter’s disguised as housefly’s so they can listen in on our conversations? Are they printing propaganda and subtly releasing it in forms of clickbait articles. I mean all I know is I’m safe because I never sleep; like never. No naps, no lying on my bed with my eyes closed, because I don’t own a bed. Once you stop wasting your time listening to some fancy Doctor (with a piece of paper that says they have a phd or something) who says you need to sleep every day, you’ll have a shit tonne of free time on your hands. (which is best utilized investigating my next favourite conspiracy theory)

2. 3/11

All I have to say is, investigate 3/11; you will not be let down. #legalizeranch

3. Big Ink

Anyone who lives in a first world country will know that printers suck! They’ve been around since like the 1800’s and they still can’t print my fucking assignment at 2am. Okay here’s what’s really going on inside one of those complicated machines. Besides the capability of accessing the internet and any/all of your documents at all times; they rarely work, and when they do, they eventually run out of ink. Why is it so expensive you ask? Why do I have to replace the cartridge every time I’m in a time crunch? It’s because printers can smell fear. More specifically the printer companies can, with their smellinator devices. They utilize chemtrails as a medium in which to transport smells that are detected by your printer and transported to the closest CIA (Canadian Intelligence Agency) branches. (It works similar to Wonkavision ®) Anywho, when the odour is detected to exceed 15 on the olfactometer, an error message is sent to your computer indicating a low ink level, but there’s still ink in there you fuckin yuppie. Okay I just realized I haven’t even talked about the actual conspiracy yet. Big Ink is an alliance between the “Big 4” (Dell, Brother, HP, and Dell) to basically sell you more ink, even though you don’t need to because all you have to do to fix it, is just take your cartridge out, shake it a bit and pop it back in. Bada bing bada boom. Checkmate atheists.

4. Life (it’s not a base reality)

All you need to know is Elon Musk believes it, and that guy can actually launch rockets, unlike NASA. If you don’t know about it yet, here’s an explanation in 15 words. An intelligent race has stimulated our fake world because they can. Get over it man.

5. The government is pissing in our beer.

Every prime minister since Sir Robert Borden has pissed in your beer. Since the elimination of prohibition, as a symbolic and contractually obligated act, every single Prime Minister of Canada after Borden has pissed in our beer. Urine is collected in the private bathroom on 24 Sussex Drive. (which is reserved for only the PM) Labatt gets shipments on Mondays, and Thursdays, while Molson gets them on Wednesdays and Fridays. Microbreweries are only able to get retired PM’s piss. All I can say is Stephen Harper loves his asparagus. If you don’t believe me just visit www.thegovernmentispissinginourbeer.net

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