Every year February goes by the same way, Valentines Day, Family Day, National Grapefruit Month, etc. This year, Hallmark has decided to branch out and bring back some long forgotten holidays. Here are their top 5:
5. Defender of the Fatherland Day – 23rd
Started in 1981, word is out that a certain world leader is planning a big event for this year. After all, nothing says celebrate more than defending our lovely fatherland from the vicious Westerners.
4. Paternalia – Week of the 13th
This ancient festival was popularized by the Romans to honour their ancestors and family. In modern times, it’s been taken up by Spring Break, a time when university kids can go back home to their loving parents, briefly, before rushing off to go and get smashed with a bunch of strangers on a cruise in Mexico.
3. Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday – 12th
It is always important to remember one of our favourite US Presidents on this day, and give offerings to him for keeping the zombies at bay for another year. Celebrations often include purchasing top hats, fixing your house after it’s been split in half (presumably by zombies), and avoiding movie theatres.
2. World Thinking Day – 22nd
For many years, thinking was considered an everyday thing to do just like health, the oceans, and the earth. Sadly, in recent years it has become too tedious to dedicate constant brainpower to these concerns when there are much more important things on our minds, like Tinder matches, and Upvotes. Thus, we now only concern ourselves with 24 hours every year, which should be enough to keep our brains healthy, right?
1. Februa – 15th
This ancient festival was traditionally held on the 15 of February, hence the name of the month. It was used as a special day where the Romans would cleanse the body and the mind, WHICH YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO YOU FILTHY LOVEBIRDS.
So yeah, have a great month!