Boy oh boy, it’s been a wild ride. With week 11 halfway done and exam season turning from a faint sense of worry to your last chance at not failing out of university, it’s time to reflect on the year so far. Specifically, for all the first years, and I guess upper years who still have keys to their residences (yeah, we know you’re out there), it’s time to consider how you’ve spent your time in residence. You’ve got almost a month left to truly appreciate chill dons, unlimited utilities and that weird guy on your floor that nobody talks to and smells like canned tuna (not gonna lie that’s definitely me). With only days left in your home away from home, there are definitely a few things you’ve always dreamed of doing, but I’m here to tell you what you’re missing on that res-bucket list.
Turn your room into an illegal speakeasy
Forget hosting pres, boxed wine night or even res keggers. This weekend’s your moment to open a fully operational bar in the comfort of your own bedroom! Start by applying for a liquor license, then forge one because screw the bureaucracy, and invest $15,000 in a system of refrigerators and beer taps. Begin advertising very small by throwing a full page ad in the Journal, then move up with a small ad in Golden Words to develop interest. Once you’ve got the hype and the booze, it’s business time. Keeping true to the essence of a speakeasy, encourage patrons to come dressed as 1920’s gangsters equipped with authentic prohibition era weapons like baseball bats, brass knuckles or the classic ice pick. You’ll really miss residence after this one!
Bowling alley in your hallway
Admit it, you’ve always wondered what it would be like to launch a bowling ball full force down a Vic hallway. Now’s your chance! Start a tilt to re-tile your residence hallway into regulation balsa wood bowling lanes with that smooth-ass wax finish. Buy supplies from your local bowling ball and pin store and you’re set! If you live on west, far away from a few of Kingston’s bowling ball and pin stores, you can substitute with empty 40’s of Smirnoff and an extremely dense ball of old lazy food containers. What most people forget is that this can be a bit obstructive at times with floormates coming in and out of their rooms, so make sure to play games between the hours of 3-6AM when you can be sure no one’s out of their rooms. I can assure you, with a residence bowling alley you’ll never run out of shitty big lebowski references or fun!
Hide dead animals for the next resident
At some point you’ll have to prepare your room for the next resident. This means cleaning out all personal belongings, shitting in the heater and leaving something behind for the next resident to read, chuckle to themselves and then leave a note for the next resident who will continue the never ending cycle of attempting to be remembered and leave a legacy and oh god Percy Shelley was right, everything is forgotten, man cannot overcome time, life is meaningless oh god what am I doing… So notes are pretty stupid and really aren’t creative. Instead, leave the rotting corpse of an iconic Kingston squirrel for the next resident to find. The meatier the better!
Have floorcest with your roommate
Ok yes, I know what you’re thinking: have sex with my roommate?! Wha? Just hear me out for a second. As most of you know, floorcest is really no big deal- you have sex in the first week and never talk to them again, pretty basic stuff. It’s super convenient because they’re right there on the floor: it’s a twenty foot walk of shame at most (I’ll accept one drawback is that forgetting their name can be a bit rough, but shit happens). Sex with your roommate though? That’s not delivery, that’s delissio. Get real, you’ve got four weeks left, there’s no reason not to ruin that seven month relationship for some casual sex.
Find out what a laundered pizza looks like
This should really be at the top of the list, but I’ve always been a best for last kinda guy. You will never, ever have another opportunity to discover what pizza looks like after it’s been through a full wash and dry cycle. Does detergent make the cheese tastier? Can you wash off the taste of green olives? Will the tumble make the crust nice and fluffy? Only god knows.