It’s getting to be Winter time which means pretty soon there’s going to be ice everywhere. It’s going to be on the ground, in outdoor hockey rinks, and dangerously falling off of tall buildings and putting your life at risk. So, in keeping with the theme of ice, there is no better time than week 11 to start an ice war with your friends, housemates, or floormates. By ice, I’m obviously talking about Smirnoff Ice. From now until the end of exams I suggest that you and your friends buy a lot of bottles of Smirnoff Ice and try to trick each other into finding and chugging them in the most creative ways possible. Now, since you read Golden Words™, I know that you’re probably a pretty cool cat, and because you’re so cool I’ve written this article to serve as your guide on how to absolutely dominate your “Ice War pool” for the next few weeks. Here are 5 all-star plays that you can use to assert your dominance in this, the most noble of collegiate sports.
Play Number 1 – Librar-ice:
This one s simple, elegant, and among the methods listed in this article, relatively short term. To pull this off make sure that you’re targeting a friend who goes to the library pretty frequently. The moment to strike is after they’ve packed their backpack, but before they’ve left to go study. Try to distract them. Get them to go do another task, tell them to check to see if a window is closed, or if an appliance in your house/room is turned off. It will also work for you if they need to go to the bathroom before they visit the library. Once you’ve separated your friend from their backpack clandestinely sneak an Ice into their bag on top of all of their books. The die will then have been cast. I would suggest going to the library with them under the pretense of studying together so you can see them have to chug the Ice, but if you don’t want to, or are just too plain stupid to study you can rest assured that the plan will be successful regardless of your presence.
Play Number 2 – Put Yourself on Ice:
This is a long play. It will cost lots of money. It will earn you a place in the Icing Hall of Fame. Step one, fake your own death. Choose whichever method of death you’d like to fake but make sure that it would make sense for your corpse to be in good shape, it is vital for this plan that your “funeral” be open casket. Step two, lay low for a few days while your family and friends mourn you and plan an incredibly expensive funeral. Step three, sneak into the funeral home, Ice in hand, the night before the funeral and spend the night in the casket until the funeral in the morning. Step four, stay perfectly still as mourners pass by your casket to pay their final respects to you before you are lowered into the ground and slowly forgotten by history. Step five, when your intended target walks by to say their final words of love to you pull the Ice from its hiding place and present it to your friend. Step six, attempt to begin a chant of “Drink Motherfucker! Drink Motherfucker!” as your loved ones stare in stunned silence at your apparent rise from the dead. Step seven, pat yourself on the back and bask in the knowledge that you are the Ice King/Queen. Step eight, find new friends/family because they’ll all probably hate you at this point for being a monster.
Play Number 3 -The Miracle on Ice:
Another long play. Another bold move. For this method you’ll want to be in a long term relationship. This is going to sound terrible, and it is, you are going to have to fake a pregnancy. Go the whole nine yards on this one, get pregnancy pads, you really want to sell this as the genuine article. Get the friend you want to ice very involved in the pregnancy process. Take them to ultrasounds that you have paid doctors to fake under the guise of needing moral support. After nine months of this your friend is going to feel very invested in this baby. A couple of weeks before the “due date” tell your friend that you want them to be the godmother/godfather. On the delivery date make sure that only you and your partner are in the delivery room (along with doctors who are in on the plan of course). To really sell it you’ll want to stay in there for 6-12 hours. When you finally emerge make sure you are holding a swaddling cloth and gazing lovingly into it. Look at your friend and tell them that as the godfather/godmother you want them to be the first person other than you and your partner to hold the baby. When they cradle it gently in their arms they will slowly come to realise that rather than an infant child they are instead holding a 1L bottle of Smirnoff Ice. Begin chanting “Drink Motherfucker! Drink Motherfucker!” and laugh as they realise the last 9 months of their life has been a lie with the sole goal of icing them in the maternity wing of a hospital.
Play Number 4 – Conv-Ice-cation:
I’ll keep this one simple. You’ll need to bribe whoever is in charge of getting the degrees ready for convocation. Pay them however much money it takes to get them to place a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in your intended target’s degree. When your friend receives their degree on stage and realises that it is heavier than it should be they will slowly realise that they have in fact been iced on stage in front of their parents and classmates. Watch them take a knee and relish in the glory of ultimate victory.
Play Number 5 – Love at First Ice:
Get a friend who has very few morals to begin a long term relationship with whoever you want to ice. Make sure that they are perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ll want your ice target to be head over heels in love with this person. After 3-4 years of romantic bliss tell your accomplice that it’s time. Have them ask your target on a romantic date. Midway through get them to drop down on one knee and begin to profess their undying love to your target. Then have them reach into their back pocket only to retrieve a bottle of Smirnoff Ice rather than an engagement ring. Haha you sure got that sucker. They thought they were going to be engaged to the love of their life but instead they’re chugging 355 mL of Smirnoff’s finest cooler in the middle of a romantic date. If there actually is a connection between the two people in this sham of a relationship you can soften the blow by making this an actual proposal and putting a ring in the Ice. However, if you went for this, I doubt moral qualms are of that much consequence to you. There you go. Good icing my friends.