Midterms are coming up and let’s be honest, you are fucked. Somewhere between drinking like a fish every weekend and sleeping through 8:30’s, you forgot to study. But do not despair my academically challenged friend, studying is for losers and if your (almost) daily binge drinking has proven anything to the world, it’s that you are not a loser. So here are 9 foolproof ways for cool people like us to ace our midterms without studying like nerds.
- Steal the answer key: If 80’s teen movies have taught me anything, it’s that somewhere on this campus there is an answer key to your midterm that can be stolen with relative ease. Just grab a group of eclectic friends and have an ethically dubious bonding experience that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
- Bribe a TA: TA’s are human too and have the simple needs of food, beer, and sex. If you can get one or more of these, you will surely have the answers for the test in no time.
- Get a doctor to give you a sick note: Faking sick– tried but true. Classic, elegant, dishonest, ethically unacceptable, and beautiful.
- Fake your own death: Dead people may not be able to get A’s but they can’t fail either. While a Schrodinger’s exam situation isn’t perfect, it’s surely better than your parents finding out you failed and cutting you off from their money that you must so desperately need if you can’t give us 25 FUCKING CENTS!
- Suck someone’s dick: Roughly 50% of people have dicks, and exactly 100% of those people want to have them sucked. I’m failing first year calculus and even I know that with numbers like that, there is a dick you can suck to get an A on your next midterm
- Blackmail whoevers dick you sucked: They deserve it if they won’t give you an A for sucking their dick.
- Write “up up down down left right left right B A”: Watch as the entire exam is filled in magically.
- Sacrifice your roommate/housemate to Svarog the supreme Slavic deity: When even theft, bribery, and prostitution don’t work, divine intervention must. Svarog is all powerful and always hungry for sacrifices. Surely the blood of one of your closest friends will satisfy him and get you that A that you know you need.
- Transfer to Western: It can’t really be that hard to do well there.